mac's cheesy thoughts

///GROWING PAINS       Still getting over Allie a bit but it's mainly from thinking of how beautiful she is. We had a strong strong chemistry but some of our interests didn't line up. Main thing was music for me. She's also so young and I forget that sometimes. God, how pathetic am I to express myself in such a way. I'm so grateful she is a good listener. She doesn't just throw anyone off to the wayside or make them feel uncomfortable. More than her beauty, her ability to listen was just incredibly sexy.  It's unfortunate I found this out while I was confessing things to her. Man, I did some fucked up things while I was fucked up. A large chunk of my feelings are gone towards her but I still feel a tug here and there. I'm surprised at how quickly I was able to shake it off.  Erin took me months and months. Is this because I know what it feels like and am better prepared to let go or is it because Allie's listening helped out so much. [man, i need to ...

k so here i am. current objective shit is that i was drunk and very much afflicted and currently afflicted by allie janho. still hurts myself to even say that but erin jenkins. also a girl i had strong feeling for before but less as much so at this point. jesus i'm fucked up. allie was beautiful and the potential to know what she would become, jesus, is just ridiculous. i just gotta let her go. i understand how cosmic everything is. i've gotta figure my own shit out and just express through photography. this pain i feel right now is also energy and a reason to fill it. who else is looking for answer at this age as i am? 

///WUT      So, been in a relationship with Allie for a couple months now. I told her about how Umma reacted about Allie being Black. Was it a mistake? For a couple weeks I felt like it was but now I feel like it was the most honest thing to say. I knew Allie might (would) be much affected by it. I just didn't expect it to be such an intense reaction once I did externalize it. Fuckin' killed me for the few weeks while everything in our relationship just seemed to turn upside down.  So, it begs the question, do I care for her a lot or did I just do this to appease my loneliness? Sitting here right now, I'm really not too sure. Yes, I was definitely hurt that she just seemed to ignore me but I also sit here comfortable knowing that I have her 'affection'. I don't want her to worry about me and I don't have to worry about her. At least, her finding someone else to be in a romantic relationship with. I have the comfort of doing my own thing and her do...

///LERV How can I love when I am both incapable of believing I can be True Loved as well as being incapable of loving another in the same way? ///ALLIE-1      So, started dating Allie. This beautiful Jamaican chick who is a few months short of twenty years old. Not sure what to think of all this but it's funny how I always end up watching 500 Days of Summer after I start dating someone to gain a different perspective on both the movie and my current situation. This time, I definitely side with Summer more than Tom. Or maybe both me and Allie are Summer? That could be true too. Funny to see how the first few months of  Tom and Summer were filled with silly little antics like we're going through. Fun funny drole. Allie is currently (it's been like two-three weeks) a perfect blend of personality, cute and non-relation status. She's also the first girl I started to date without feeling an intense infatuation/love/head over heels for. [I could probably than...

i constantly judge myself against others even though i say it doesn't matter. without even realizing it. fuck. i see flower of life in the back of my screen. mmm these shrooms are hitting pretty hard. well obviously shrooms are more fun and engaging than acid. fuck my hipster self. hard to breathe though i will say. soooooooooooooooooooo fun to dance on. like x1111100000000 than molly. fuck molly. i can actually collect my thoughts more cohesively than acid. what. kay i enjoy.i am kind of afraid to drink this beer. apprehensive. :))))) this shit is gonna be funny to read later. visuals are different. everything has more depth shrooms are more engaging. should experiment with acid more but the length is a deterrent :( what is this common motif of narcissism. is a HUGE part of my ego.  much less closed eyed visuals "high" starting to come down but wanting more. like a "molly" kind of dose more feeling. i've already felt this in my microdosing. ...

///BUTTONS What an interesting movie. Re-watched it for the first time in I don't know how long. People talk about movies that ooze and instill wanderlust in others and I've never seen Benjamin Button in any of those lists. And yet, I'd have to say this is one of the most 'lost soul' adventure movies I've seen. He never knows quite what to do as he has no basis on which to live his life. He has no blueprint. He has no ties. The whole movie he's just figuring out what it is he wants and meets interesting characters throughout. Made me want to get into deep conversations with strangers.  Not about philosophy. Not about politics. Just to hear what their aspirations were/are and to verbalize internal feelings out into the external world of another's ears/mind. You leave a piece and I'll leave a piece. Visit a new city and get lost. [nighttime persona sees me as a calm soul when i adventure. in practice, i put on the mask of an extrovert. at least i at...

///SPIRITUAL PSYCHOLOGY         Interesting way of going down the path of Self-realization/Individuation. There are the more well-known methods of achieving this state. This is definitely a topic to study more, but Jungian interpretations of the spirit/psyche/subconscious just integrates everything I love during some introspection. [two words are pretty much the some above and below. inter/intro. heh. cool]  The spirit  is the lifeblood of what makes us search for meaning in life. Without our spirit we're nothing but husks in a body. Enlighten your spirit to enlighten your life. It's what causes such a collective unconscious feeling of lostness and analogously, the reason for the Human Condition. [man, i can't split off for a second when i'm blogging high or else i lose all  train of thought... >:(] A couple keys to being at peace is to find a method of self-expression to the external world and finding a place in your community/society. Jung beli...

/// NOSTALGIA I always like to daydream about the past years of childhood and the sense of nostalgia it brings on. The carelessness I lived with and the feeling of freedom to do whatever I wanted to. Video games of that bygone era where all the feels of it can no longer be felt. But, it got me thinking, won't I look back at the age I'm at now and feel nostalgia over games like Overwatch and even Hearthstone in a decade from now? What is nostalgia? Why do I miss what I had when I'm living in a period in which future me will be nostalgic my present? I shouldn't be nostalgic about the past as it inhibits my ability to cherish the Now. It's a weird feeling to know this. [man, words are not coming out of my head as easily as i would like. it's a struggle like pulling a heavy rope out of water. da hell] Most of my memories are of blank nothings the past couple years. Sure, I definitely had some highlights but for the most part nothing happened.

///SHELBY KEEFE Was on my way to 9th Ave Street Food to finally try it out. Walked from the side parking I noticed a lady painting on the street corner. “Hm, that’s pretty cool,” I thought to myself. Figured she was just there painting as it was a nice day out. Got to the food stand, but once again, it was closed. [WHY IS IT NEVER OPENNNNN]  Kind of frustrating really. I even circled the stall to see if there happened to be a back entrance. Walked back and got in the car set to drive off. A moment of clarity/realization. *head thoughts*  I could just drive off and get some food... that would be the comfortable thing to do, wouldn’t it? But I would totally regret not using my camera and meeting this person painting out there. I'm supposedly on a spiritual growth of sorts right now right? If I was, the correct thing would be to meet my discomfort (face fear) and talk to her.  And so, I did.  Grabbed my camera (immediately realized that I wouldn't be abl...

///FRIENDS Just came back from Fox Bros BBQ with the Baker crew + Lucy + Luke. [lucy luke... interesting] I had above average interest in seeing them since it had been so long. Sat in my car just kind of hangry for a bit. Eh, more like hangronnoyed. Waited until I saw Maya walk around the corner with her little satchel. I got a little anxious [i am writing this thing like it's a damn dream journal. let's just get to my thoughts] which seemed normal for me. Popped out and gave her a hug with some small talk. Stood around and then the others started to trickle in. Sat down, ordered our food and beer and then came the awesome vibes.  We talked about what we had upcoming and of course previous trips. Most of the talk was of Baker since we were all from that but man, the energy there was just electric. I felt so comfortable with them and was just taken into a mode of System 1 in the pure moment. I didn't have any worries feelings except elation.  I dunno. Gett...

///WHAT I SOUNDS THO Headphones. The way sound has changed since I had put on headphones is ridiculous. All sounds/noises are so much more pronounced/crisp/clear. The rumble (not bass rumble) of the lower frequencies is so soothing.  The textures. Mostly relegated by the frequencies. [[ [lights dimmed. monitor dimmed. Nosaj Thing - Light 3 on. 770's on. let's see how long i last]]] The nice crunchy feels of lows or the tsss of a high. It's nice to find an artist that has a unique wobble/feel to it. The glottal stops. I abso-fucking-lutely loves songs with a sudden lapse in sound only to reappear a second later or ones that taper off then come back in full force. Big Wild, Swell, Bondax, but I can't think of any more right now. Aaaahhh the glottal stop in Big Wild is nice.  Soundstage. Maybe chips in more to 'headphones' but this is what makes getting lost in music the best. Just close my eyes and get wrapped up in a blanket by the music. Takes a few seco...

///LET'S TRY THIS AGAIN Recent revival of spirits and seeing energies in the world due to a weird ass night a week ago. Ended up hooking up with Erin apparently and this got me all into astrology and whatnot. Pulled out some books I had been meaning to read like Spiritual Alchemy and Ferrucci's What We May Be . Read at least a hundred pages total while I was in Detroit. I didn't think anything would stick with me but a couple that did were transforming fear into positive energies of progress and understanding that growing as a person/soul won't have a definite "AHA" moment but is rather slow and gradual. It'll slowly ooze a little at a time hopefully. Most of the stuff in the books has been mumbo-jumbo filled with jargon that's too loopy for me.  Maybe I've felt like I'm going to... well I'll just cut myself off here. When I say that "Oh this is it but just for a bit," I've already given up. It'll be over when I fa...