mac's cheesy thoughts

///FUTURE                  Been a while since I've tried to look at my life at an over-the-shoulder type of view. I feel I've come such a long way and my dream is so close but I can hardly grasp it. (Great Gatsby film heh) I thought I knew what I wanted but it always seems that in order to efficiently do what I want to I need money. There has to be another way, right? I don't understand because sometimes I do believe that money will pave the way but other times I believe the infinite energy I, and anyone else, can bring to others is more than enough. The wellspring of inspiration, hope, and love a person can bring. I struggle to find a way to make myself the person I want to become and have the adventure I wish. I need to focus and find a goal that will motivate me to drive myself towards it. ///FOCUS                I continually lack focus. I think I'm getting better towards it but it is a massive u...

///ADVENTURE            Three years I've been toiling. The first two and a half years were some years of immense personal growth. Spiritually, socially, physically, mentally, academically, even financially (although, that is more financial stability than actual increase in monetary amounts.) I only feel work is holding me back in all my ambition for the things I want to do. My only hope is that I am able to keep focused on my goals and actualize my thoughts into the real world. It's a slow process and I'm not even sure if I'm headed towards a net positive in that particular area lately.            Maybe I just need a break for a while. Is my lack of focus from the copious (significantly cut down now) amount of drugs I've done? Is it the Keppra that's fucking me up? I always seem to come out feeling very content for a few months after a good trip. It's been almost a year, is that why I lack focus? Is it bec...

learn how to play an instrument learn korean fluently learn how to unconditionally love everyone i meet. i feel the barriers it's just a matter of peeling back those layers. drugs aren't helping. such a step back every time. i want to live on my own and take people in as i help them get back on their feet. won't have to repay me all i want is them to be happy and feel warmth.

be the kindness in the world. appreciate new cultures but don't let them define you. assimilate it. when you help a total stranger they know nothing about you. you are simply a character to them that came out of the wild world to come and help them. you may not see yourself as an 'angel' or a soldier of God watching over them. that is how ripple effects of kindness spread and seeds are planted in others. because they KNOW just how awesome it feels and they will psychologically want to give that to someone else because it is too great to keep for themselves. so uplifting. so kind. flex your mental muscles, work them out as much as you do your physical. you can only grow spiritually when your most tangible body and mind and able to be mended by your will. i see HUGE similarities between the yearly Passion gathering and music festivals all around the world. i would have to guess a lot of people like myself only go to one music festival a year and for this case i'm ...

gonna start a bunch of entries of weird things that i remember thinking of when i was younger. before all this realization and consciousness. things that i can look back on and really see how my thinking was odd and different from others. i used to play with my mind as a kid and see how when i repeated a word or something over and over in my head i could forget for a few instances what i was trying to remember. i would simply say 'forget forget forget.' and whatever i was trying to remember would just disappear in my head for those instances when i said the word. it was a strange thing that i enjoyed doing every now and then. had an epiphany one day realizing that no matter what i did this life, i would never be able to live through the eyes of another person. as a female, as a dog, as a cat, as a black, as a white, or whatever else. it led to the strangest sensation and sadness in me that this is all i had. kind of a blessing now i guess. i would lay in bed and sometimes...