mac's cheesy thoughts

///A FUCK BUDDY FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS            Interesting little (blogging this with no glasses or contacts so I can barely see a fucking, hehe, thing) point of time I'm currently in. Dated(?) Clara for a little bit (which is a story for a later time that is just much much mucho tres overdue really) and while I was dating her I ended up fucking a co-worker on a random Monday night after work. I was a "just the tip" virgin until that Monday night since that's what I truly believe. Went out to 529 to see a live band and early on I popped into my car to take a small dose of Molly. Probably wasn't the best idea but the end results were worth it. Got hammered there throughout the night and ended up ringing up a tab <$100+tip and had some interesting conversation with the band. Oh yeah, this was a Polaroid night too so I got one of those for me lil' album. (My procrastination is so real... fml) Anyways, later on in the night Linda (that's a name that won...

///THAT FAIRY TALE LOVE            So that last blog was just about fucking for fun and that's all it'll be with Linda. I'm currently finishing up the last few minutes of 500 Days of Summer (one of my favorite movies that I should actually blog about what I think of it) and it got me thinking about how I want to be in love . I'm not talking about falling in love into marriage but just float on the cloud of infatuation riding it through until it burns out and crashes. Deep down I probably wouldn't believe that I was in love but I would let myself believe I was just to ad... meh, a bunch of these thoughts stemmed from me while watching the movie as if under the effects of a drug. Still, it would be fun to just be able to experience the fun of being in a kiddish love. Just be texting each other every day and meeting up like that. I guess that's what Noona's going through right now too.              I should probably suppo...

///AFTER-SHIFT CONVERSATIONS            So just ended a shift tonight (10/7/15) and we decided to go out for a bite to eat. I was just happy enough that Erin Jenkins (a lesbian, hot one at that ) was coming out to eat with us. Oh the pleasures of eye candy are just stupid. I see why the Halo Effect is so real. Anyway, I just expected it to be a simple night out with decent food and a few too many more than expected drinks. It was not. There were a couple we talked about that definitely rattled my spirit and thoughts.  Talking about dating a best friend, someone you've known your whole life. I'm currently going through this awkward thing of seeing Clara and texting her daily and just sharing music and such. This is cool y'know? She's definitely pretty and if I didn't know her beforehand I would definitely be incredibly infatuated by her. But I do know her and I'm not infatuated. Instead, it's just this weird thing of neither of us admitting it but...

///STOPPED TAKING MY MEDICATION                  (Been a long while. Hopefully this changes and I'm inspired to write here more)               Not too long ago (maybe at most two months) I self-diagnosed myself to taking lamotrigine just once a day instead of the usual twice a day. For some odd reason it seemed that taking it that way worked better for me in terms of drinking alcohol the day after. I felt no difference in effects and it would be cheaper this way. Prescription costs ~$125 a month which is no joke. Taking it once a day effectively halved the price of it. No harm to me and it made perfect sense. Done.                Fast forward Tomorrowworld which was the weekend of 9/25-27 and all my shit got jacked. Whatever, I really didn't mind. (Which I'm still pretty amazed about. I'm glad I don't harbor attachment to physical objects. Sucks that I lost my jo...

///BEING SINGLE (a bit tipsy and a bit high)            So here I am just jamming out to dubstep at three in the morning (2:59 A.M.) and having a good time about it. Got me wondering if I really do need (well I guess I've already done known for a while I don't) a girlfriend. I am pretty content with who I am and knowing that I need to grow for myself as a person before I pursue any relationship . I perhaps am starting to understand it as well. This might mark the beginning of me starting to be ready for a relationship. But not at all yet. I wouldn't be able to think that someone could love me as I am even though I know someone would. ( Just got lost into Zeds Dead- Rude Boy for a good minute.)  I want to get a good career and security before I do anything really. "I think you have commitment issues," she said. I believe it. Something about me mayne just can't do it.               I am an ever incre...

empathy is generally seen as something you need to  feel  for people who are in despair. right? when someone says they are “very empathetic”” (surprised i spelled that right lulz) people notice it when the Empath does something for someone to help them. empathy has a second layer that i didn’t even really think about until now. empathy also helps the Empath create the best moment no matter the situation. Empaths only want to increase the positive vibes anywhere. Right? That would make sense. 

             So, it's early for me to just be doing nothing so I have all this extra time which now has me in front of a keyboard. Forcing myself to type whatever I'm thought thinking since it'll be a funny read later... Let's see... what topic will come up first for me to elaborate on. Ah, I'll look at my notepad for topics. Weeeeeee~ ///BELIEF PUSH (awww yisss, Dpat - Bloom just came on :3 so hypnotic)            Had this idea the other time when I was high that (so many grammatical corrections already)  I do believe my "religious" belief is greater than others. Don't all people think so? or else why would it be their predominate internal belief? I think a fair amount of people think the had to defend their belief when confronted by someone else with an opposing belief.             For me, my (self-purported) far above average empathy helps me be a step above belief arguments (...

///DAD-APPA           Listening to Dpat - Cutthroat   (Dpat is damn good. Makes the mind drift off on another level)                  Just called Appa via Tango. It's probably been almost a week if it hasn't been a week already since I've last talked to him. I'm not sure why I don't like talking to him. It's a terribly terrible feeling to have.   Maybe I resent him for my childhood. That's for another entry...  He picked up the call without it even ringing once on my end. "Must be a slow day at the restaurant." We made some quick small talk about weather and stuff. Found out he had to close the restaurant because it wasn't bringing in any business and the hot weather wasn't helping the fact that the place utilized heated grills. I told him that restaurant businesses are a bad idea. Always too prideful to do anything but to be his own boss... "So what job are you doing now?" "I have no job right now,...

///PHOTOGRAPHY                         (Might be the first time I blogged high. Shit, it's been almost three months since I've wrote in this thing. Fuuckkk. Sorry for ignoring you Bloggy). I wonder what I enjoy about photography so much. It's not exactly my "creative outlet." Sure, people think it's cool and awesome but what's the end to it? Kind of like psychology. It's fun yeah, but I dunno if I can go through with it. (This could just be me being just being high. HIGH TIMES WOOP WOOP! Seems I can only be energetic in my head when I'm high). Maybe I just don't have the eye for it enough to become my thing. I probably could once I behavior myself not to give a fuck and find the eye for a good posed shot. It's still a beautiful medium. (Post-high) Too much photography is the same. I need... I always say I need to learn new skills, i.e. Photoshop, but it's ridiculous how lazy about learning I'm getting. FUCKFUCKFUCK ...

///FOOD FOR THE HOMELESS I had ate at Panbury's Double Crust Pies for lunch and it was delicious. The crust was super flaky, creating that amazing texture of lightly crisping bread akin to a nice croissant. The steak inside was juicy and the mash potatoes and gravy wasn't too heavily seasoned which is pretty rare considering American's affinity for too salty or too savory. But that's not the point of why I am blogging (on an afternoon for the first time) here. The reason is my continuous struggle with helping the needy.  Do I do it because it's part of me, or because I want to impress others. It's strange and I always wonder whether it does more good to tell others about the kind actions I do compared to going the way of silent kindness. What's the best way to interact with the homeless? Too many times I feel like I'm getting sold bullshit stories about their lives, but who am I to judge? They've been through much more harsh times than I have. ...

///NOTHING MATTERS " A phrase that simultaneously juxtaposes the pure ecstacy of conscious life with the insufferable depression of death." Posted that on Tumblr a few days ago and it hit me right in the feels. Pretty proud of the wording of it too.  man it feels nice to write in my blog huh. The phrase is a perfect yin-and-yang. In the happier sense, it give me the strength to go out and feel like I can do anything because this life is all we've got. Live it. In a more depressing way, everything is so pointless because death is always looming, so why even start? It's definitely an anxiety-inducing thought. Easy to be torn either way. I definitely lean more towards the happier side but not through thinking about it but because it's just more the way I am. Life would probably be better if I became more salient about the strength it potentially give me throughout the day. I've stopped centering myself at random points in the day to keep a clear and focused h...