been a while there bloggy

///PHOTOGRAPHY

           
            (Might be the first time I blogged high. Shit, it's been almost three months since I've wrote in this thing. Fuuckkk. Sorry for ignoring you Bloggy). I wonder what I enjoy about photography so much. It's not exactly my "creative outlet." Sure, people think it's cool and awesome but what's the end to it? Kind of like psychology. It's fun yeah, but I dunno if I can go through with it. (This could just be me being just being high. HIGH TIMES WOOP WOOP! Seems I can only be energetic in my head when I'm high). Maybe I just don't have the eye for it enough to become my thing. I probably could once I behavior myself not to give a fuck and find the eye for a good posed shot. It's still a beautiful medium.

(Post-high)

Too much photography is the same. I need... I always say I need to learn new skills, i.e. Photoshop, but it's ridiculous how lazy about learning I'm getting. FUCKFUCKFUCK

///CRAZY UNKNOWABLES OF EXTINCTIONS

• The "Wave" Theory of astronomy. We are part of a giant wave with all the physics/time/space/matter and there is another wave coming afterwards with a completely different set of rules/Laws/forms of matter to that will painlessly and omnipotently wipe us out.
• An asteroid, which we will never see coming before it's too late. Too many civilization-wiping asteroids on a similar orbit out there moving too fast for us to keep track us.
• We are overdue for a mass extinction from a natural disaster. Some sort of huge wave or a gigantic volcanic eruption that bursts a blackening  fog of dirt, blocking out the sun. GG
• Extinction of me, completely random and out of my control.
• Extinction of me, if I were to run into a situation where it was either me or saving a life.

///NATURE & EVIL

         
            Nature can be capable of neither Good nor Evil. It's strange how Nature has never been called evil in and of itself. It's always been blamed on a Higher Being of some sort, i.e. God, Greek gods, entities, etc. It's pretty understandable. (Goddammit it's been too long since I've blogged. Thoughts aren't as concrete in my head at all like they used to be. I need to write in this WAY more often.) Then again, maybe it isn't. I'm not sure. This idea I have of Nature being this impossibly rampant entity/form/Law is something I have never grasped beforehand (thank you Interstellar). 

            It could best be described as perhaps a Kid (analogous to Higher Beings) playing with fire. (Hopefully I'll think of a cooler analogy but this will have to work for now). Kid lights a pile of sticks on fire thinking he is in control, but he isn't. On a whim, Fire can turn against the Kid. Not because Fire is Evil, but simply because Fire is completely inanimate. Fire is only following the Laws that happen to govern that time and space. Nature is everywhere. (I forgot how much easier it is to blog when I imagine I'm talking to someone else). At the very root of the word, or perhaps of the word, is "natural." Nature is not omnipotent but it for sure is omnipresent. Wherever there is anything, not limited to the notion of Nothingness. Nature is everything and nothing. Does that make nature the greatest Higher Being/Law/Entity? I think so. (Ah-haaaaa I like this one :)

///RANDOM THOUGHTS

           Wouldn't be a post without a bunch of rando-thot-o's.

• There are a shit ton, wait more like a shit ton^1000, of stars out there. I will never see more than perhaps a thousand.
• Am I happy? I live my life chasing the highlights of characters in books and in competition to feel like I'm worth a shit to people and friends I know.
• Why do I feel like I have very few friends... I need to get to know the people that consider me a good/better/best friend to create stronger/more strong tensiles/fibers bonding a closer relationship.

///PSYCHOLOGICAL FILTER

             
               Maybe psychology has killed my spiritual side. My deeper thinking and pondering of all the universe. Maybe it's clouded my perspective and lets me only see the world through scrutinizing interpersonal relationships instead of musing over more existential/philosophical ideas. Maybe I'm just way too sucked in to my computer/internet. Probably that. I searched for answers in taking up psychology as my main realm of knowledge but it's gone from an academy into an arena. (My writing seems to have a greater level of clarity than before though. Thank you Dr. Goode!) Constantly pitting myself against aspects of behavior within me that I don't like and losing every time. 

            Maybe I haven't put enough effort to keep a chunk of spirituality salient in my everyday life. It would help me be more mindful/lucid/aware of my surrounding and the ripples I can cause by my actions. Maybe I see communication as too much as reactions/responses/processes instead of being free-flowing from the heart/soul/spirit. I evaluate too much of what psychological impact my words hold and I shouldn't worry about that and simply reverberate my own spirit. (This whole thing sounds like a giant idea repeating itself but it's starting to make more sense to me.)  

            People seem so different now. Psychology is bitchin' blessing but a fuckin' curse. Would I be the person I am now without it? Possibly. I can say that studying psychology gave me a +20 Empathy boost though. I guess that is enough by itself. I'd rather not step on other people's shoes out of sheer ignorance/unknowing. I'd rather be the shoe shine that doesn't mind doing the dirty work to keep people happy along their way and lives.

I am le tired. I want Cheetoes le Fleu.

I wonder if she likes me. I've lost this emotion that is infatuation. Was the only thing I had going for me in terms of energy towards liking a girl. Oh well. Tired of people thinking I'm gay though.