RIDE THIS WAVE

///GROWING PAINS

     

Still getting over Allie a bit but it's mainly from thinking of how beautiful she is. We had a strong strong chemistry but some of our interests didn't line up. Main thing was music for me. She's also so young and I forget that sometimes. God, how pathetic am I to express myself in such a way. I'm so grateful she is a good listener. She doesn't just throw anyone off to the wayside or make them feel uncomfortable. More than her beauty, her ability to listen was just incredibly sexy. It's unfortunate I found this out while I was confessing things to her. Man, I did some fucked up things while I was fucked up. A large chunk of my feelings are gone towards her but I still feel a tug here and there. I'm surprised at how quickly I was able to shake it off. Erin took me months and months. Is this because I know what it feels like and am better prepared to let go or is it because Allie's listening helped out so much. [man, i need to write more, this is pretty cathartic and i can feel it already. my feet still fucking smell from last week. goddamn] I dunno how to act around her now that it's not an intimate relationship. I can't sit there and be fake about it being okay when it's not. I mean, it's definitely better than before but still. Part of the problem is that I wonder what others are going to think about us when they can obviously see we broke up. This could be effecting me the most. [this could be another topic in itself, my needing to not give a fuck. from photos to just carrying my every day self] Enough self-loathing right now. 

One other thing was seeing how Allie was so easily able to talk to people and the empathy. It reminded me so much of my younger self and rekindled this. I had lost sight of how hard some people have their lives. We're all human and others are in much worse positions than I. I need to start doing the little thing that make the world an inkling of a better place. It's been fun bringing in ice cream sandwiches to the staff again. $2.49 is a small price to pay for the amount of smiles it brings out. I freaking buy $10 shots for a "WOOOO" when I could use that money for a much more gratifying experience. 

What has gone right.

I felt what near perfect chemistry should be like. It was fantastic and easy. [need to stop looking at other shit and just focus on this entry. i hope i'm okay and she's okay with being fuck buddies though. that would be awesome] Deep down in the back of my mind, I feel much of my sadness was having Allie as someone who was a reason to be happy, but at the end of the day she was just a giant band-aid for the depression I've been suffering for the past few years. She was my life for a couple months and a reason to do thing. I was doing things for her and not myself. I was still just as sad in between our meetings as I lounged around doing next to nothing to improve myself. [how can i integrate more Spirit into my mindset? i need to get back to that as well] Maybe she would have, maybe she wouldn't. I don't think I would have kicked/jolted myself into gear as fast as this if it didn't happen. 

I've started working out again, actually making plans for a long-term future in photography. [very basic and still needing a bigger push but hopefully that'll come as i trudge through the start. rome wasn't built in a day] Although it gets me a bit down to think of Allie, I'm also feeling more up from these goals and such. 

What an interesting past month. It was painful but I learned a lot about myself again. In the depths of sadness, with nothing left, what little light there is shines brightest. Gotta go towards and open up these lights.

• location scouting and just shooting in general
• continue working out/climbing
• read more! especially books on spiritual topics
• photography/photoshop
• limit drinking
• eat healthier/cook
• help people more

let's write something spiritual. i love this chi flow and feeling it when i stretch.

 

oh, couple days ago when i stopped by publix to buy a homeless guy some food and water. he was interesting. i think Ned was his name? started handing stuff out like the bread, sausage, chips when a couple other dudes walked over. the first guy was a type of guy that i would generally not help out because he looked so drugged up. helped him anyway since he asked. the next guy, Sideshow was cool. i probably could have talked to him for a bit to hear his story. he was showing love as i showed love to them. dude had a smile that could light up a room and yet there he was on the street. saw him later walk by with my shirt i had given him. 

my Heart was feeling great after having helped people. it had been a long time since i'd done something like this. what happen to the times when i could give long rides back? when i would help anyone and everyone? is this from a loss of my own Spirit that's causing this? idk