mac's cheesy thoughts

///DREAM Had a dream where the setting was somewhat akin to the old Counter-Strike de_dust map. There were some things different about it but that would be the best way to describe it. Basically, there were two sides. I was on one of them. Couldn't exactly call either side the good side or the bad side. Each seemed to have an equally important agenda. Kinda like the feeling in Miyazaki films when you aren't sure exactly who to be rooting for. Anyway, we were being attacked and I was sent to defend the middle passageway. I went over there and peeked around a corner/box/crate. There were two of them on the other side and one of them was this weird guy. He had such a blank stare on his face and kinda just floated along the ground. My teammate was beside me and I decided to go for Mr. Blank Stare. First, I popped out of hiding and shot a few rounds at him. At this point Mr. Blank Stare started to float across the opening a little faster so he could reach his cover on the other ...

Partying might seem like a fun way to pass the time and breaks but I don't want to party too often. I have yet to go out into nature once since the summer and still need to plan another trip to another city. Most likely Chicago where I can meet up my friend. I'm a boss. Just planned that shit right now. November 5th to November 8th I will be in the Windy City, Chitown, Chicago baby. I'm not really sure what to expect but I'm sure it'll be worth it. I'll get to see a good friend up there. As for partying, for now, I've rediscovered how fun it is. I'll probably eventually ease out of it once it starts to get all same old same old. For now it's a blast. Rave tomorrow, drink on Saturday with coworkers. I'm so happy these days. I actually teared up on how well everything seems to be going right now. Karma must be returning the favor to me. Put good in and get good in return. Some people are the heart and souls of groups. People feel lost and uns...

Dysfunctional family, dysfunctional best friends, and dysfunctional coworkers. I love them all the same. I feel like it's my purpose to fill in the gaps where people feel stressed.

/// CATHARISM If there was a hippy, very spiritual sect of Christianity it would be Catharism. If anything, I would call these people Christian hippies. They disliked any form of control and government because they understood that power lead to corruption. This was mainly seen as a threat to the Church in the medieval age because obviously they were epitome and power and control during that era. They believed that there were two Gods. One who was everything physical, corporeal, and powerful. And another that was a spirit God. Their definition of God would be pretty similar to what I might believe. Or what I think might be the closest interpretation of one. This spirit God was simply love, order, and peace incarnate. Cathars sought to ascend from the physical realm into the spiritual realm by their practices and believed that's how they would achieve a sort of nirvana. I think that God doesn't dabble in words and physical means. I think God is pure emotion. And of course that ...

I feel like writing. I've had many thoughts lately. Too bad I got work tomorrow early. 

///DREAM Man I have lots of video game dreams. I was in some sort of game show. I had a superpower where I was like Sub-Zero or something. I could shape ice in my hands and throw it at people. There were a few of us and we were fighting off a bunch of enemies. Picked up guns here and there. Shot little goblins here and there for points. If I got a headshot my whole team got extra points. The setting seemed to be at the QT gas station near my house. Inside the gas station, a big hole in the ground appeared. We didn't know what the fuck it was. Someone contacted some intel person and they told us the hole had some sort of monster inside and the fall took two years. We started throwing random shit in there while I threw ice blocks. The hole started out really small at first in my dream but opened up to be bigger later. Some weird monster rushed out of the hole and went back in. After the hole got bigger we saw that there were levels like buildings. Lots of floors. The first floor ...

suhhhhnap outta it G's and D's. I choose D's.

Yesterday... as I was watching a video of an angry black lady yelling about slavery on worldstarhiphop and got the dreaded blue screen of death. Now my computer only runs in safe mode. FML ///DREAM went through old neighborhood fields, saw two ladies yelling at each other, one was black, i ended up just playing around with the huge black lady, she danced with me, and it sucked, ended up at some three day festival, first day was mainly at food vendor, middle line was skinny and long, side lines were broader and wide, second day i took my medication in morning, had four drops of acid, went to friends place, felt like i hadn't taken it

blaarrgghhh. life after lucy feels so blah. blah blah blah. i'm drained. everything was symbolic of something wish i could just lay around doing nothing tomorrow everything is still wiggling hardcore... how did i drive home HAHAAHAH shiet why do we have to justify things we do? long as they good just do it everything seemed so poetic fml that is my life this trip's main theme song was Pumped up Kicks i hope this trip was worth it. needed to just let go of some stress. fuucckk work things i'm happy i have 1) my knowledge 2) fuck all else, i win i'm still a long way from being the kind of person i want to be. the only thing stopping me is me. and i couldn't be a bigger obstacle. faackk i need to sort the shit that went through my head later. right now, it is mental baggage... because everything needs to end happily on lucy trips i create a smiley face :D and another :D pahaha they look so happy. i can rest easy knowing that this entry has been the creation of at least...

///DREAM One of my least favorite dream types. The false-awakening type. I dreamt that I woke up to get ready for work. I had sleep paralysis so I couldn't really move. I just simply tried to roll off the couch to shock myself into getting awake. Eventually I fell off hit my face on the floor and went to the bathroom. Washed up and RINGRINGRING. Real alarm. FML I got ready twice for work. Just because it didn't happen in the real world doesn't change the fact I felt like I got ready... double dose of tiredly getting ready. Hmmmm I wonder if I'm ready to meet up Molly and Lucy again. We'll see. "The Little Prince" is my current book. Kinda sad that it's not my own copy so I can't highlight into it. I'd much rather highlight into my books. It's short so I'm expecting to finish it by the end of this week. "Six Weeks to Yehidah" is my next book. Supposed to be a modern day interpretation of "Wizard of OZ." Amazon's d...

///DREAM I was angry. Punching many things. I remember punching a glass window. It did not hurt at all. I think I was angry because of work. Hooray for work stress! Story of my life.

Alan Watts - Nothingness Too good. ///HEAVEN If I think about it. I do believe in a heaven. Just, no Hell. Definitely, no Hell. I just realized why I'm not afraid of being sent to any Hell. Like I said earlier, definitely no Hell. I've been researching a lot of different religions that I'd be closest to. And it is actually Zen Buddhism. All is one, one is all. Love everyone. Karma. The little things I do to "center" myself. Things that relieve stress easily. Read about it in "Wallflower." Basically, I think Zen. Ish. This topic got a bit boring and I have no idea how to continue on track. Maybe LSD didn't make sense of anything really. Maybe I just gave the thoughts I had more meaning. I made each great thought into towers in my mind as morals to follow. The more meaning that one thought happened to have on me, the bigger the tower. I am by no means perfect. I do not think the way I am is some gold standard. I still get angry at others and judge. My ...

///DREAM I was on a field trip with a group of people. I remember seeing Allen Lim there with me. We took a trip to a place similar to the wedding scene in "The Fall." Walking up staircases I had my camera and so did Allen. I suddenly walked outside and saw the ocean and just stared out there. A girl named Vada grabbed my hand, smiled, and started to take me somewhere. Vada was black and tonight, black was beautiful. We got to the top of a staircase and I saw Allen laying on the ground, asleep. I realized I had lost my camera and started traversing the whole expanse for it. I looked everywhere, inside concert halls where orchestras were playing, in corners, asking people, in pillows, and bags. Eventually I remember just sitting down and doing something. Sam from "Wallflower" returned my camera to me. She said she was looking for me to return it. She looked exactly as I imagined her in my head when I read the book. Except she had blue, not green, eyes. Still beautifu...

Well weekend I think helped me sort some shit out. I think I really got it figured out this time. Lots of thinking. And so I open my blog again to... the one for sure, and maybe one other reader out there. I can't write to myself. It's weird. It's much easier to write as if I'm explaining something to someone. In my head it just works better. Like I'm giving a speech. I don't know it's weird. Maybe you guys understand. It's like how Charlie in "Wallflower" had to write letters. Diaries are too private. I like knowing that my writing will be read. I'm glad I can entertain some people's lives with all the thoughts that go through my head. I wish I could find someone to debate with. An argument for arguing sake. No harm, no foul. Just to see who has the stronger theory by word. I want to talk to someone who I can talk to about "Wallflower." Funny how I don't see the need to take out "who I can talk to." The "wa...

It feels nice to have freedom to write whatever I want knowing no one else can read it. Although, it does feel weird since I feel like I'm writing to nobody except myself. Like talking to myself in my head. ///DREAM Had a dream where I was walking around and saw this huge tower. It seemed a big pixelated and on top was a person. Not sure what they were doing or what they said to me. Eventually I ended up in my family's old store. I had to stock up a bunch of items. I went inside and all the doors had double locks and a bolt lock. There were about five doors or so. I went around to lock all of them, or so I thought. This black lady came in once and complained about her scarf. Another came in and complained about the prices. Blah blah. Not sure how long that went on for but it was a few more. Once it got to stocking the items I ended up stocking stuff with Angie. We lolligagged as we put hung stuff up. After this I don't really remember much. I think the weirdest thing in dre...

///DREAM Once again another gamey dream. I was in some sort of old house. A kind of medieval village house. I was controlling a character with a suit of armor on. Made him just jump around looking into containers for items. All of a sudden Ms. Sandy barges in and asks me for $100 for a plane ticket to Korea because Mr. Charlie didn't catch the flight. I gave it to her and just she hurried along her way. Francisco was right behind her for some reason to tell me something but he disappeared from my dream before anything happened. Forgot the rest of my dream after taking a little break. ///SHADOW Well I think I've been unconsciously trying to be my shadow lately. And just now I realize that it's been working out terribly. Nothing but adding stress into my life. I'll go back to what I think is my mature/old soul nature. Life was easier that way. Always trying to seek adventure every day is hard to do. I can enjoy the simple beauty in every single day. My ???? shadow is too ...

Well last night's post was a trip. Not sure if I want to keep it up there. I'll decide later. ///DREAM I remember getting shot. About three times. In the chest. Bleeding. Heaving as I tried to breathe. Stumbling towards my shooter covered by the shadows. Then slowly dragging myself across the floor as my legs went limp. It's okay though. I prefer having the worst/scariest dreams rather than the happiest dreams where I get the things I want most. At least when I wake up from a scary dream I realize that it was just a dream. But when I wake up from a dream of wanting that one thing I want most it's the worst. Because I wake up... and realize it was just a dream.

glad to know i can shed tears for people i care for... he's like an older brother i never had. look up to him in ways he probably doesn't even know. here i am. in the middle of a study room with six other guys. trying to pretend i'm yawning for an excuse for the few tears the managed to break through despite my attempts in holding them back. not sure what to do with the sniffles...

///DREAM Short dream today. Probably because I didn't get much sleep and had so much on my mind. I was at Kiku and the hibachi chefs were starting to not give a shit. They threw lobster tails at each other, me, and the customers. I had to talk them down to actually do something. I decided I had to have a stern conversation with the owner or the head hibachi chef. The end. I hate work dreams. It's basically me working for free. Been at library for an hour. Read nothing so far. Went shooting like I said today. It was fun as shiiitttt. I want to do it again. So exhilarating. So loud. My left ear is still having a bit of a hard time hearing. Gotta say the shotgun was the best. You can just feel the power of it. So much recoil and oomph.

///BEAUTIFUL DAY!!! Had a good day today. Actually, fuck that. I had an amazing day. Probably the most noteworthy in a while. To start off the day, I had some kimbap made by Mama Kwon. Sent her a text later saying how I love her. I don't do it nearly enough. Putting Good into the world requires more effort than doing nothing but the rewards are so obvious once you do it. Instantly felt happy knowing that my hard-working mother would be revitalized at work once she saw that message. Gave me a grin. I then went through three hours of boring classes. Received a sixty on a test. But eff that. Afterwards, I went inside the library to see what everyone else was up to. Same old same old, sit around the table chit-chat about small talk. Usually I would stay and amuse them but today! Today! I had books to read. The weather was fucking nice and beautiful. I just plopped down at a courtyard table with a plastic chair, took my bookbag off, pulled out Wallflower, set my music to some chill, gr...

///DREAM Yessss, I'm back to dreaming on a regular basis again. Feels good. I'll have to keep writing them down so that I don't lose it again. I was at the pool with Janos and Jimin (again, why do they keep coming into my dreams?). We were all just chillin' around the pool and there was also a grizzly bear and a penguin in the pool. I jumped in and started to swim around. Jimin pulled out her camera and started to take pictures of me and the bear. Me and the bear got together for a buddybuddy picture with our arms around each other. I was kinda scared cuz as much as this bear was "trained" I knew it was still an animal. He was dangerously close to me. After the pool I went into some sort of laboratory and aliens started attack Earth. I looked up into the sky and there were these two huge airships that were part of our sides forces and they were transporting something. They struggled to move anywhere because of some cargo they were holding so it dropped it into...

///DREAM Today, I had another one of them video gamey dreams. Except it was like real life with aspects of games in it. I don't remember much cuz I had to go do something for an hour but here's what I do remember. I was in a basement running away from some people. I ran down a few flights of stairs and at the bottom level there was a big bookcase at the end of the room. The guys chasing me cornered me but the bookcase came to life as Alucard from the show Hellsing came from the shadows. He drove them off and we came out of the building together. Outside it was a woody area with the only structure was the little bunker that led into where I just was. We picked up a couple of rifles and started walking around. I walked towards the trees and heard some twigs snap so we crouched down. As the steps got louder we saw that it was a woman, a child (girl), and a dog. I thought they spotted us but they didn't. We turned around to head into the field instead but saw two soldiers wal...