mac's cheesy thoughts

///SINGING I will learn to sing better. I'm pretty sure I have an above average singing voice. How I'll go about getting better I'm not too sure about yet. I'll just sing along to more of my songs. Hopefully I'll be able to raise how high my voice can go without having to make it go to a weird pitch. Maybe I'll give you guys a preview. Probably not xDDDDDD ///DUBSTEP I can't not move to dubstep. It just strikes a cord in me that flips my ham switch. It is just too intense. In a good way. I feel like I can distinguish different artists in dubstep pretty easily. Each artist has a specific style of bass wobble they use in most of their songs. Once you learn it once, you can kind of figure who the artist is in a new song. I still like all that Indie music but right now, dub is king. I wonder what music genre I'll like next.

Having the craziest mood swings. On my free days away from work I'm as happy as can be. Time spent with friends seems like the best thing any damn day. Then it's always work the next day. Torture. Hell. Torment. Depression. Hatred. It's tempting to get fucked up to extend my free time, but I digress. Sometimes the grass is too green on the other side. I think I'd be disappointed in my lack of self control if I did. I need to figure something out. My life is a bit of a mess right now. Extremes of just being happy chilling against being at work. Hopefully sign up for some Touch the Earth trips for me to go on and just relax out in nature. Especially now that it's fall!!! Ahhhh that sounds so nice. I should take some kayaking lessons. Hopefully it'll work with my schedule. Time to sleep to wake up to work. I think I'm generally happier but sometimes... it's just hard. There isn't a day where I am completely stress free. Well, maybe when I do some...

///DREAM This will be very brief and not very descriptive since I want to PTFO. Fucking hate having work for thirteen hours straight... two days of that crap. I hate you Kiku. I like money. I love chillin' with friends. I was back at a different version of Chattahoochee High School except it seemed like some sort of Final Fantasy VIII style academy. It was semi-futuristic and everyone had a uniform on. I saw some of my old white friends playing lacrosse and I joined in with them. We played for a bit but then we got attacked (a common theme I'm starting to see) by some sort of enemies. We ran into a room where we started to barricade the windows and doors. I covered the back doors and started to flip some switches that played a movie in the opposite room. The opposite room looked like a version of an orange room I saw of Half-life 2 in some old PC Gamer magazine I have. Right before I woke up we were about to bust out and try to fight our way out. Sigh, I always wake up r...

Just had a feeling that turned into a realization of how I've changed. Before, I've had thoughts that the best way to let other learn what I've learned was through their own experimentation. Now, that feels unnecessary, I wouldn't want anyone to go through what I did. I consider taking drugs once just a risky as perhaps skydiving. The chances of something going terribly wrong but it's worth all the risk for the moment you get. This is my view on doing it ONCE. Not some god damn marathon like I did. Still deciding on whether therapeutic use is good. Leaning more towards yes. Very enlightening but very dangerous. High stakes games. Can't get over how much of a gamble this all was. Then again, I am lucky that I happened to experiment when my mind had already grown. Better than really risk fucking my shit up when I'm still growing. Not an excuse, just feel lucky because obviously I had the curiosity to try. I trusted myself not to get addicted but do...

A tool that began a revolution through information before anyone even realized it. The beginning of the end for corrupt people in power. The world can feel the change coming. I can only hope for humanity to find the cleanest way to ease itself into the change coming. It's crazy how something decided to give us the gift of consciousness. Is it all just a miracle of how we're wired? Or is did some Supreme Being give us this power? Who knows. Too much to think about but both questions seem connected either way. Ya dig? Fuck it. Words don't work here in describing my feelings again. Take what you can from my words. My feelings come from my unique experiences and the way I perceive them. I smell like ass right now. SHOWEEERRR

Done with the drugs associated with this summer. Stamp it. A good exclamation point. Back to real life. Summer is over. Felt nice to breathe in the crisp Autumn air. I still HATE how words can't even come close to describing some feelings I have. Gotta get back into being healthy again. I know I'm a happier person and I'll stop before I risk losing it all. Crazy ass summer. Best kept as memories instead of trying to relive it. donedonedonedonedone Easier to stop when you have disappointment weighing you down. I leave with memories, friends, APPRECIATION&ACCEPTANCE, a new almost borderline passion for music(!!!), spirituality, empathy, creativity, and whatever the fuck else I learned. Too much. Yesterday showed me a way to appreciate music even more. Best way to describe it is that I can feel the artist in the music. I revel in the way I am muahaahha. Crazy sane.

I feel I've gone too public with everything these past few months. I'm going to be writing all my dreams and thoughts on notebook paper for a bit. I'll write about random shit though. Probably more "light" topics.

Is it just me or am I a lot more in tune with my body and mind than most guys? I wonder if it's because they feel the pressure to act a certain way. Then again, I act differently in public than I do in my head. I've been having the oddest sensation of realizing how I have different "Me's." I can almost observe how I act differently under different situations or thought. There's Mac the Manager, Friend, Soulful, Goofy, Singing, Pessimistic, Optimistic, Happy, and whatever. When I look at them as separate it's really weird, but I guess all these things add up to make me Me. People are interesting, ignorant people are annoyingly interesting.

///DIFFERENCE When I think about it, I don't really see the difference an intelligence different between monkeys and humans and between humans and the geniuses of the world. Humans are more conscious than monkeys of their actions yes, but I think that geniuses are as close to another a level of consciousness (I hate spelling that) than the rest of us. It's pretty amazing the types of breakthroughs they can have when the rest of us just ramble on as cogs in the machine. I wonder if people the geniuses who pursue knowledge are tormented by the fact that our life is so limited to a short span of time. Sure, some of them overcame the fear of death but I'm sure many have cracked under the fear at one point or another. I choose to ignore it for now. No point in dwelling on it. There must be some sort of genius gene in there somewhere. I think I lean more towards Nature in the Nature vs. Nurture argument nowadays. People are just born one way. ///LOVE*ACCEPTANCE No, not ...

///HAPPINESS STEP 1 Living in a western culture where individuality seems to be hammered down until you're nothing but a cookie-cutter version of a stereotype is hard. This was especially poignant throughout middle school and high school, where kids started to form clicks and learned to start judging others. There was such an immense pressure to always be something you weren't. I thought something was wrong with ME not the culture/bubble of high school I was in. And so, I went through much of high school in a daze of wondering what the hell was going on. I slept through class, had laughs with some friends here and there, but felt out of it most of the time. I could consider these years my lost years. High school was hell to me where it was competition to see who could be the best. Jump to my first year in college and inside *Daniel Lim's car from my dorm off to somewhere. I don't remember where we were going anymore but that doesn't matter anymore. He was taki...

///SUMMER THOUGHTS PT.1 I have come out of this summer with a fun version of Mac. Which is macaroo. macaroo was born at Bonnaroo on my 21st birthday. I didn't think much of it at the time but it is a nice way to put a title on how this summer changed me. I must thank Rachel Chiang, Catherine Yi, and Clara Choi for telling macaroo to keep his underoos on at Bonnaroo. I will kick this off with one of the major points of how this summer changed me. I remember after my first LSD trip that I thought that the supposed spiritual feeling that comes from it would not come to me. Same with Molly. Well, I should've know better than to judge its effects on just one experience. I was definitely right about how it would give me "minor" epiphanies about life to live it easier. Those epiphanies brought new light to such simple things. Like how to appreciate everything. I thought I appreciated how very special life is before but man, this is different. Simple thoughts like how l...

///DREAM I'm trying to go to sleep right now but I know that never works. So, I'll try to remember a rather vivid dream I had earlier. I don't really remember the details as well as I did earlier but I'll try. At first, me and Ellen were walking into some sort of Volkswagen van, the hippy kind. It was some sort of cafe in there. We stepped outside and grabbed a paint can to just spray on the ground and graffiti. We were shortly joined by Chris Rhee and Jenny Kim to complete our Savannah crew. While making some graffiti there was suddenly a bounty hunter team on us! Me and Chris started to fight them off and some random person handed me a flamethrower. Ellen lit the front part to start the fire and I started to shower fire on the bad, bad people. Unfortunately, the flame didn't extend very far and I had to get very close to them. It turned into a bit of a video game where the enemies would drop their guns when they died and little description boxes of what gun ...

So, just digging through my old computer files I found an ambiguous file named "notes.txt." I don't think I'll be writing much until I can figure out what all these feelings are I'm feeling inside me right now. Without further ado, here are its contents. lock combo: 00-18-04 my comfort foods: pizza rolls spam & egg chapaghetti egg cheese & rice finding myself & philosophy: when i can, i want to learn to play the piano on punishment should always give a choice between two punishments always question why you came to a certain conclusion is it because we were conditioned to think that way is it because that's how you really feel embrace your dreams as it is as much a part of our life as anything else help a stranger in need as often as you see fit you're never as good or as bad as people say you are never the "only one" don't hold grudges books to read: The Ecology of Commerce A Brief Hi...

I have survived this summer's drug gauntlet and have come to an amazing end. I'll keep this short since I'm tired as balls. Fuck, I need to write everything I learned down later. This will take too long -edit Part 2! Changed my Facebook name to Macaroo. It's pretty fitting haha. Made a tumblr . I dunno how I feel about it yet. We'll see.

///DREAM I have a feeling different things will trigger what I remember about today's dream. Lots of stuff happened but I just can't remember. Either way, I woke up and realized that there would never again be a time like high school. It was a really sad thought... I was walking to homeroom and had one of the cool teachers that didn't care if you skipped to go to lunch. I went to the door and looked inside to see if I knew anyone and I saw Wooho. So, I went in and sat next to him. A bunch of the white kids decided to go buy coffee and started to just give them out to everyone. There was a white girl wearing a dark green sitting in front of me and we started to talk about random stuff.

///DREAM I was on a bus and there was lots of snow outside. I saw my friend Justin Chu on the bus playing some sort of game where he had to defend the world from invaders. He didn't really seem to know what he was doing yet because he was new. A friend of his came over to point out what he was doing wrong and he didn't have the reactors to generate income///power at Japan. He clicked to open about three of them and things got a little better. After that I saw Grace Lee and she was studying on the bus about three seats back from the driver on the left side. She was studying when she said she wanted me to meet a some of her guy friends. The bus stopped and a guy that kinda seemed like Noah as he passed in front of the bus walked by. His hair was really big. Once he came inside I noticed it wasn't Noah. The three of us made a bet that Grace couldn't run two miles and gave her about two months to attempt it. There was a $50 bet on it. He gave me a dap and left. In an arcade...

Is it possible I've gotten rid of my ego without realizing it? Someone must have used one water and two colorless to get rid of it. Muahahaha. Anyway, I dunno, something about me feels different but I'm still me. I feel more fun and outgoing. Damn so tired. I wonder if Eggo's are related to ego. Self-help and self-improvement books are basically books on how to rid yourself of your ego do a certain degree IMO. I share with you, my readers, one of my most prized internet musical discoveries. 8track I'm actually about to go to sleep at 3:30 for once!