mac's cheesy thoughts

k so here i am. current objective shit is that i was drunk and very much afflicted and currently afflicted by allie janho. still hurts myself to even say that but erin jenkins. also a girl i had strong feeling for before but less as much so at this point. jesus i'm fucked up. allie was beautiful and the potential to know what she would become, jesus, is just ridiculous. i just gotta let her go. i understand how cosmic everything is. i've gotta figure my own shit out and just express through photography. this pain i feel right now is also energy and a reason to fill it. who else is looking for answer at this age as i am? 

///WUT      So, been in a relationship with Allie for a couple months now. I told her about how Umma reacted about Allie being Black. Was it a mistake? For a couple weeks I felt like it was but now I feel like it was the most honest thing to say. I knew Allie might (would) be much affected by it. I just didn't expect it to be such an intense reaction once I did externalize it. Fuckin' killed me for the few weeks while everything in our relationship just seemed to turn upside down.  So, it begs the question, do I care for her a lot or did I just do this to appease my loneliness? Sitting here right now, I'm really not too sure. Yes, I was definitely hurt that she just seemed to ignore me but I also sit here comfortable knowing that I have her 'affection'. I don't want her to worry about me and I don't have to worry about her. At least, her finding someone else to be in a romantic relationship with. I have the comfort of doing my own thing and her do...

///LERV How can I love when I am both incapable of believing I can be True Loved as well as being incapable of loving another in the same way? ///ALLIE-1      So, started dating Allie. This beautiful Jamaican chick who is a few months short of twenty years old. Not sure what to think of all this but it's funny how I always end up watching 500 Days of Summer after I start dating someone to gain a different perspective on both the movie and my current situation. This time, I definitely side with Summer more than Tom. Or maybe both me and Allie are Summer? That could be true too. Funny to see how the first few months of  Tom and Summer were filled with silly little antics like we're going through. Fun funny drole. Allie is currently (it's been like two-three weeks) a perfect blend of personality, cute and non-relation status. She's also the first girl I started to date without feeling an intense infatuation/love/head over heels for. [I could probably than...

i constantly judge myself against others even though i say it doesn't matter. without even realizing it. fuck. i see flower of life in the back of my screen. mmm these shrooms are hitting pretty hard. well obviously shrooms are more fun and engaging than acid. fuck my hipster self. hard to breathe though i will say. soooooooooooooooooooo fun to dance on. like x1111100000000 than molly. fuck molly. i can actually collect my thoughts more cohesively than acid. what. kay i enjoy.i am kind of afraid to drink this beer. apprehensive. :))))) this shit is gonna be funny to read later. visuals are different. everything has more depth shrooms are more engaging. should experiment with acid more but the length is a deterrent :( what is this common motif of narcissism. is a HUGE part of my ego.  much less closed eyed visuals "high" starting to come down but wanting more. like a "molly" kind of dose more feeling. i've already felt this in my microdosing. ...

///BUTTONS What an interesting movie. Re-watched it for the first time in I don't know how long. People talk about movies that ooze and instill wanderlust in others and I've never seen Benjamin Button in any of those lists. And yet, I'd have to say this is one of the most 'lost soul' adventure movies I've seen. He never knows quite what to do as he has no basis on which to live his life. He has no blueprint. He has no ties. The whole movie he's just figuring out what it is he wants and meets interesting characters throughout. Made me want to get into deep conversations with strangers.  Not about philosophy. Not about politics. Just to hear what their aspirations were/are and to verbalize internal feelings out into the external world of another's ears/mind. You leave a piece and I'll leave a piece. Visit a new city and get lost. [nighttime persona sees me as a calm soul when i adventure. in practice, i put on the mask of an extrovert. at least i at...

///SPIRITUAL PSYCHOLOGY         Interesting way of going down the path of Self-realization/Individuation. There are the more well-known methods of achieving this state. This is definitely a topic to study more, but Jungian interpretations of the spirit/psyche/subconscious just integrates everything I love during some introspection. [two words are pretty much the some above and below. inter/intro. heh. cool]  The spirit  is the lifeblood of what makes us search for meaning in life. Without our spirit we're nothing but husks in a body. Enlighten your spirit to enlighten your life. It's what causes such a collective unconscious feeling of lostness and analogously, the reason for the Human Condition. [man, i can't split off for a second when i'm blogging high or else i lose all  train of thought... >:(] A couple keys to being at peace is to find a method of self-expression to the external world and finding a place in your community/society. Jung beli...