///RELATIONSHIP-CHI

///WUT

     So, been in a relationship with Allie for a couple months now. I told her about how Umma reacted about Allie being Black. Was it a mistake? For a couple weeks I felt like it was but now I feel like it was the most honest thing to say. I knew Allie might (would) be much affected by it. I just didn't expect it to be such an intense reaction once I did externalize it. Fuckin' killed me for the few weeks while everything in our relationship just seemed to turn upside down. 

So, it begs the question, do I care for her a lot or did I just do this to appease my loneliness?

Sitting here right now, I'm really not too sure. Yes, I was definitely hurt that she just seemed to ignore me but I also sit here comfortable knowing that I have her 'affection'. I don't want her to worry about me and I don't have to worry about her. At least, her finding someone else to be in a romantic relationship with. I have the comfort of doing my own thing and her doing her own. If she needs my support, I'm here for her. 

I really did not want to be just 'friends' with her. That would have been more painful than just ripping the band aid off at the moment. I guess this was a lesson from my past (short) relationships of how I would feel once it was over. I don't want myself to think that any chance of reparations would be possible. I just want it to to end there and now. Nothing else to consume my thoughts. 

Do I think she could be a life long lover? Yes. It's only been a couple months and an interesting tug and pull at that. I'm glad I was able to pull her back over to find a good middle ground between us. It was also nice to hear that she wanted to fuck me here and there. But, I knew that it would hurt too much after sex to cuddle without knowing whether or not she had more than just fuck feelings for me. 

I dunno, maybe she just did this conversation for that. 

But that also makes me wonder if this is just be being paranoid.


///CHI
     I did the whole kung fu Chi thing today with Daniel. It was a bit of a stretch (lol no pun at all intended) to start with but after a couple exercises, I just go into a flow. I mean, I know I get into a flow once I actually get into the gym (then go out more foo') but this was different. Just having the mentality of knowing that this was about Chi made it different. I was much more focused on the pain of my muscles being more about Chi release. It was incredibly refreshing to my mind and body. I felt so focused and realized what I needed to accomplish without all the bullshit surrounding me.

It felt like I was going back to my roots in a way. I suppose in the same way that Black's find interest in African roots, I felt a similar connection to an Asian past. Chi and Kung Fu is much an Eastern Asian thing and I could just feel my ancestors doing the same. Is it just psychological or was it actually spiritual? On a second thought...

///EMBARRASSED THOUGHTS
     I realize that I have plenty of spiritual ideas/things to say but I have a habitual habit of just pushing it off as nonsense in my head.
Why?
I'm not sure really when I'm under the influence of things [man, writing whilst listening to chill-hop is smooth] I can't tell whether it's just me appeasing to what others want to hear from a 'woke' person but lately I feel like this is real shit coming from my heart but my mind isn't used to it.

I need to express my passions more. From audiophile to dreams really.