mac's cheesy thoughts

///TATTOO I think I know what I want for a tattoo. It would be on my left side of my chest. The image I want is of a kid with a set of headphones on. Might be dumb but it would be there to remind myself to always love music and to be a kid at heart. Maybe some sort of Banksy-ish looking picture. That'd be cool. Hopefully I'll find a quote worth putting on my backside one day but every quote seems too cheesy for now. ///CHANGES Since summer started I've noticed some changes in how I am. For one, I'm more loving towards my parents. I guess I could thank my girls Lucy and Molly for that. For some reason in the past, I was so blind to how much they loved and cared for me. Every time I see them now I just think about how much they've done for me. Might have taken drugs to realize this but it's better to have realized it than to have been blind to it. Another is that I'm learning to enjoy life more. To enjoy the moments I get to spend with my friends because one d...

///DREAM All I fucking remember is that Publix salads were buy one get two free. I was very excited. I wonder if stress can make you not remember your dreams. Wallow wallow. What a funny word.

///SPACE I used to maybe want to be an astronomer. I mean, what could be better than looking through a telescope and seeing all the wonders of space, right? Even up to college I thought that's what it was. I'm glad I never took a class of it. Well, maybe I will so that I know which constellation is which but other than that I don't want to delve any deeper into that science. I still hear people making the mistake of, "Oh! Astronomy! I wanna look at stars. It'll be fun!." Then halfway through the semester they hate it because it's all numbers and memorization. Now, I know that everything uses so much math because really we know nothing about anything so we try to conceptualize it in numbers. The language of numbers and formulas. It's an interesting one that can allow people to imagine the unimaginable. I think I've given up on ever hoping to travel through space. Maybe a trip to the moon will become reasonably priced one day and I'll go, but unt...

///DREAM Setting was in a mall. I remember I got a haircut. Was riding down an escalator. Can't remember anything else. Gimme gimme more, gimme more, gimme gimme more. Wake up. Time for work.

///DREAM Finally remembered a dream. Someone offered me another job at some smaller restaurant as a manager in there. Some cool black chick and Janos worked there. The owner was super cool and life-loving. He just wanted people to be happy, didn't care about money. We did stupid things and just had fun. Outside we rode dune buggies in mud and slid around everywhere. There was definitely more to this dream but I can't quite remember it. I need to stop sleeping at five. Need to start sleeping at like one so that I can actually do stuff in the morning.

I think I could make myself cry if I thought about how trapped I am by work right now... so much I want to do but can't. No day off in sight. Sigh... I just wanna go hike. Sadness is something I don't really feel often. Feels good. Alliiivvveeee. I'll have to try retail therapy. Hope I dream tonight so that not everything I see is work. -edit I thought about it, and I don't think it's so much that I feel closer with the world or anything it's just that I never realized how much I took it for granted. Once I'm free, every bit will be that much better. Like how a prisoner would feel after being release but not to that extent cuz prison is just bad. Close though. Oh yeah, and once again when I thought life couldn't get any worse, it just got worse again. I see no light at the end of the tunnel. They say the last thing you lose is hope, and I'm getting there.

Sit down and order a burger So hungry for fries I would murder Get my milkshake and eat but half That's like three divided by six Do the math Out comes the Royale slathered in Frisco My mouth becomes a flavor disco Odor of steakburger on my fingers Wash my hands yet it still lingers Go home and smell my hands I want more To go again soon I will plan Ehhhhh last one is kinda forced. I had Steak N Shake today and it was good. I regret getting that milkshake though. Feel like a fatty but it was damn good. I feel so ready for back-to-back-to-back double shifts this weekend. SIIKKEEE!!! I'm so fucked.

///CIGARETTES People smoke cigarettes for two reasons: 1- To look cool 2- To relieve stress I can handle stress in my own way and the cool factor is changed with my mentality of feeling cool when I refuse a cigarette and being the only one not smoking. ///WORK Work will soon become seven days a week with 14 hour shifts in weekends. I miss the sunlight... I miss nature. I want to go hiking and camp out. Ugh... makes me so sad that I'm missing out on nature at a point in my life when I feel so at peace. Work is life. Only good thing coming out of this is the money that I hope to save up to travel somewhere real nice. I would really like to take a tour of Alaska for a couple weeks. Would run me about three grand though. I want to learn how to ride my longboard well so that I can just kick, push, and coast . Couldn't imagine anything being more peaceful and serene to me than putting on my new headphones and just riding around. I accepted this job with something promised to me at fi...

///LUCY TRIP DOS So, I actually felt the Lucy this time and I just wanted to chill out and listen to music which I was able to do. Would seem that lines that make our senses unique, blur under the effects of LSD. The one most prevalent was being able to see sounds in the form of colors and movements. It was interesting and made every song an adventure. The best kinds are really happy artists like Donora who has a lot of upbeat music. Could imagine myself becoming one with the world in a state of bliss. For some reason I imagined two quarter-circles connecting as my symbol of spirituality. Maybe I'll draw it later. Pink Floyd was pretty amazing too. Every song seemed to create a new adventure. At one point the music got really awe-inspiring and there was a plane or something in the sky and I saw like fireworks go off around it as I imagined it was blasting off into another world. I knew it wasn't real fireworks but I didn't care, just let my imagination run wild. In a Shpong...

///DREAM Today I dreamt about being at someone's basement. We were all chillin' and were trying to see if we wanted to molly. Grace, Janos, Taekho, and Marcella were there. The subject changed to Marcella's age and we found out that she was actually twenty-seven years old which made her older than Taekho who was twenty-two. He was really happy cuz he wasn't the oldest one anymore. Later in my dream I went to some place that I can only describe as being like Savannah. Four of us were in the car while I drove. I dropped them off and the place was overflowing with sewage and litter cuz it was St. Patrick's Day. I went to go look for parking and tried to park at a reserved spot. Some people chased me. I'm updating at work, 7/16/11. 6:05 P.M. Someone save meee.

"...tendency to be idealistic and romantically-minded may cause them to fantasize frequently about a "more perfect" relationship or situation. They may also romanticize their mates into having qualities which they do not actually possess."

///DREAM All I remember from my dream was that I was smoking a blunt with some people I barely knew. After a few hits I thought to myself, "why am I wasting my first time smoking in a few weeks with these people?" I felt angry and stupid. One more weekend until trip dos.

I thought I knew what I believed in. I don't. I feel confused more than ever yet more content more than ever before. Life is what we make it. Can't say for sure yet but LSD did not give me any answers towards on what to believe is out there. If there even is anything. Realized that MDMA would be a great drug to be used under strict government regulation. The therapy between people that can be accomplished is just too much. "One hit of MDMA is worth 3 months worth of conventional therapy." The communication barriers you didn't even know that existed will evaporate leaving a clear path of communication. MDMA is a drug to respect, mental addiction is very possible. Sadly witnessing it first hand among my peers. Definitely need to get them to cut back on it. I'm not too worried because they know their responsibilities, but I'll have to keep a close eye on them. LSD, is a different animal of a drug in itself. I can't see anyone getting addicted to it becaus...

Never have I ever been so stressed in my life before. I get stress to the point where I'll just snap on people for no reason. I don't like to see this side of myself. I say I like to experience bad situations because it makes me stronger, but stressful situations give me nothing. Hopefully will be quitting this job soon and get a part-time job somewhere else. Fuck the money, this job sucks the life out of me like a damn parasite.

/// CLINICAL LSD THERAPY ///PLATO'S CAVE I feel like a druggy at times, but then I remember that only society would call me so as a pariah . How can I show you the other realities when you won't give it a shot? Plato's Cave . Matrix Cave . Both very interesting. I can feel the frustration of the slave that was freed. Trying to tell my friends that there is such a more beautiful way to see the world. Not only for the time of being under drugs, but for the rest of your life from the lasting imprint and profound appreciation for all you have. Too hard to explain in words. Words won't do it justice. Experience and see I tell them. I feel if it was legal, they would do it. Laws are nothing but words in a book, restricting ourselves from freedom. I'm just afraid that one day, I'll be able to convince into trying to view this new side, and they might get addicted. I want to share these experiences but I'll have to use my best judgement on who would be best able to ...

///DREAM If any type of dream were a nightmare to me, it would be a dream about work. I was going around doing my thing and it was about 9:30 when we started to get slammed. There was a long waiting list of people and every worker was angry. I was started to get really stressed because everyone was bitching about how late we were open. The new chef, Tom, left, and came back in and cooked on the grill with a wifebeater and some shorts on 'cuz he was angry. We sat our last table at 10:30 and it was a double grill so everyone got reallllyy pissed off. In a different scene of my dream I was working inside of some fridge. I moved stuff around in an event that was going on. Later, people like Linsey, Sabrina, Lindsey, Elease, and Jane started to work there. Pretty random for them to be in my dream. Bunch of GSU girls that I know but don't really talk to. I find out that they were lazy workers in my dream but ended up keeping them because who doesn't want to work with people they ...

"SWIM"- (S)omeone (W)ho (I)sn't (M)e ///MDMA So, SWIM has been doing a lot of research on Molly and LSD recently and these two seem to be the "safest" drugs to confront problems, expand SWIM's mind, and to grow spiritually the most with. SWIM has been finding that most people simply don't use these times of altered thought to gain benefits afterwards. While it is fun to simply be fucked up on it and enjoy the little effects, laughter, and feeling, to me, the best part of SWIM's little adventures outside normal thought is being able to think differently. It brings such a clarity to SWIM's normally jumbled thoughts. SWIM's mind is feels like a scattered bunch of thoughts here and there and when he was on Molly SWIM was able to pinpoint exactly how SWIM truly felt, and believed on certain thoughts. It was like a magnet that just collected all of SWIM's thoughts on the topic and let SWIM dissect is piece by piece. The feeling of all communica...

Just to remind myself of a few things I need to write about soon. -Feelings since past Molly trip. ~being more myself with people -Improved outlook -How friends use drugs -That one alien dream -Today's dream about being in a teacher of a history class and not giving a fuck whether students cheated. There was a spy by the name of Dutchess Spy in there, lol. -Drugs and spirituality