mac's cheesy thoughts

tonight i go to flux pavilion. i'm kinda nervous about taking molly for the first time in quite a while. i almost just kinda wanna get drunk and have fun. less talking to be done, less hangover, but it is less talking. i'm not really sure what i want. maybe i'll just drink... fuck i dunno i guess i'll have to see once i get there. i got my earplugs ready to go so i won't blast my ears to deaf. kinda dreading seeing all the people there... 4000 is crazy. so many are gonna be fucked up outta this world. i just hope to meet some interesting people. it'll be tough to tell who's bein real and who's just on mollys. hrrrmmmmmmmmm fuh starting to think that i'll only be best off if i go see the world alone. i hate feeling tied down or being held back. it's a pretty selfish perspective in a sense but i think it's the only way i'll really be able to become who i want to be. makes sense. am i starting to actually understand what being alone is an...

it's amazing the feeling of not wanting to be recognized for the things i do. i feel so freeeeeeeee and weird. what da hell

awesome movie. love the dialog and the pacing was abso-fucking-lutely on point. even the 'slow' parts of the movie had me wanting more. actors were great. the kid was a big surprise. loved the part of how Joe kinda saw into the future and saw how a circle repeats itself. it was up to him to stop that cycle. i love things that more clearly define and give me insight into a feeling i have and this was one of them. i been lately understanding that it's up to me to stop the cycles of anger and frustration especially since i know it's for the best and with my new thinking to take things in as if i've lived twice i got a bit of a trifecta going on. see deeply how a certain action will take different paths, see if i would regret acting or not acting, and choose to take the high road. incredibly difficult. i have to think that Ego and Self (although i don't know the real definition of either i'm just going on how i perceive it) are interesting, obviously. my thi...

working out releases endorphins which gives me a little bit of an elevated mood. and happy people come up with good ideas because they are confident that their actions will follow through. so put and them together and my brain comes up with some interesting thoughts. some people will never see any piece of modern technology in their whole lives. others will never see a wild animal in their whole lives. i'd say the latter is sadder. i can't tell whether my moodiness is from being normal after being off depakote (a mood stabilizer) or from this new keppra which apparently can cause moodiness. maybe it's a combination. i'm not sure. some new things i'm gonna try to do:                  compliment people                  write in my dream journal more             ...

So much to write about. So little care to write about. I'll just write about some things I've been feeling lately. No real specific order. Sometimes I feel like I got the world figured out and myself figured out but things happens and I realize I don't know shit. I'm ready for nothing and feel an unorganized chaos in me but at least the possibilities seem endless. I feel like I'm only beginning to scratch the surface of my potential. Serving people at a restaurant was humbling enough but... Lately, I've been volunteering and delivering meals to people and it's incredibly humbling. I don't feel good knowing that I've volunteered, I feel good because I volunteered and I loved it. Sometimes it feels like another job having to drive house to house but the people that I really connect with who appreciate what I do is reward enough. Meeting every new soul who knows how to appreciate happiness and kindness when it's smack in their face is just a hug...

///STEM CELLS        Just saw a post on Yahoo! about two scientists that collaborated on stem cell research to win a Nobel Prize. Some quick thoughts since I'm at school right now. As amazing as this research can be beneficial I just fear the long-term prospects of anything with so much benefit. It probably won't be long after until lobbyists and pharmaceutical corporations (why does that word sound so evil?) decide to push for ways of "farming" stem cells. So much fear for how they're going to do that if they plan on using fetus'.... i don't understand how so many philosophers manage to think themselves into the belief that life is shit and a joke. so many are so pessimistic 

i want to do nothing but good. kindness is so easy. so rewarding. warmth is so glowing so soothing. i don't want happiness. happiness chased by many like a drug. happiness is simply a byproduct of being warm, compassionate, kind, and empathic. i want serenity, contentment with myself, inner peace. to just go with the flow. what's done is done, que sera sera, hakuna matata. before i chased happiness like a maddening drug. but now something's different. even saying that i've changed makes it more real. self-fulfilling prophecy. i'm still lonely here and there but not as much. i want to interact with people and show them so much kindness it baffles them. i don't know. the world is such a sad place i have no choice but to. everywhere it's so... cold... robotic... empty. i'm sick of it. i just wish i could figure out a way to bring my family back together................ we'll see where this goes. every day is a blessing life's no joke. it's...

I have a looonnnggg way to go on my path to self-actualization...

Lately... I've been having this feeling as if I've lived a thousand lives. It's a strange one being "younger" than most and yet at the same time feeling so much older. I feel like I have the knowledge of so many past lives within me to draw from whenever I need to figure out how to handle a situation in the best possible way. Even knowing this, I feel I have so much untapped knowledge inside me. It's so exciting to see what the new day will bring, what new information, what new people, new sounds, new words, new sites I'll behold. It's like I'm in tune with the flow of everything. Now I have to see if I can maintain this and keep going on an upward spiral of growth. Went ahead and decided to forgo summer school and embark on a personal growth quest over the summer and I'd say I succeeded and it was much worth it. Very strongly realizing that eight hours of sleep, no more, no less, keeps me the happiest throughout the day. Also, drinking a nic...

///SUPPLEMENTS              I've been taking some supplements for myself to see how it could benefit me. No supplements for body building, I'd much rather stay natural on that and do my work through normal exercise and diet. I might get into an endless loop of never getting big enough. That's trailing off topic though. I've been taking Huperzine A (have I already said this before?) and Omega-3 oils. I can tell Huperzine A has definitely helped me a lot. Either I've learned a new way to simply be more conscious or this supplement did it. Probably a little bit of both. My memory seems much sharper when it comes to things. Once I commit something to memory it seems much easier to pull back up. I may be adding rhodiola soon to see if it makes me less stressful on a day to day basis. It supposedly causes serotonin to break down at a slower rate. On the fence on this one because anything that boosts my mood means that when I stop taking the supplement afte...

///LATE NIGHT        I wonder what it is about the late hours after midnight that makes me feel so insightful and at ease. Maybe it's because I'm a little bit delirious from keeping myself awake despite feeling my eyes feel heavy and tired, my body just slumping in my chair from fatigue, and my stomach grumbling for a fourth meal. I'm a person that likes to analyze people by their every action. I can't turn it off. So maybe, I'm so calm and at peace because if I can't turn myself off, I know everyone else is turned off in their sleep. Knowing that everyone is asleep it's just me and my immediate surroundings. I don't know. I'm trying to figure it out but I don't know why it is. Calm music just sounds better, makes me want to write, do something creative.        It's crazy how music affects a persons mood and energy so instantly. I don't think people realize it as much as they should. It's pretty obvious and most people will say tha...

Need to get back to where I was before. I feel like I lost the path I was on a few weeks ago of just fulfilling days. Need to put my life back in order before school starts or else I'm fucked. Currently having one of the most interesting/fulfilling conversations on Facebook right now. This guy is pretty much my guru hahahaha. I think I've just now realized that not only my mind and body are out of whack but my spirit was much more out of line than I thought it was. I think I've found the answer to getting my spirituality back up and well mind and body follows once I stop the drugs BAHAHAHAHA. Good thing my mind feels super guilty and keeps me from going too far.

///BONDS So, I have a theory that adversity with someone close to you will cause both yourself and the other person to strengthen bonds with other relationships in order to fill the void left by that person. Decided to test this out on my co-manager since he was starting to get on my nerves too much. I put him on the silent treatment and ignore him and give terse responses, only talking to him when I need to. I hope it's working between him and his fiance. I think it is. He probably tells his stress to her because she's the only ear he has and in their hatred towards me they bond! Yay! And sooner or later, I'll just say I'm tired of not talking and we'll be cool again. If it works out. If it doesn't, I'm fucked. Oh well. I need to boost my creativity. I am sorely lacking in this area. And I have no idea where to start except to just do it. ///HAPPY SAD I think I'm bipolar to a certain extent. It's ridiculous how out of whack my emotions are. On...

I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Carried such a burden of underlying fear day-by-day of being sent back to a country I don't know. Not even knowing what city I was born in. The memory I have as a kid being in a big room and seeing my parents be told they couldn't get a green card. Too young to comprehend what had just happened. The 2000 election wanting the Democrat Al Gore to be elected for pro-immigration laws. The recount that ended up in a loss. The 2004 election and John Kerry. Same hopes. Same outcome. I had gotten used to all the disappointments. Accepted it. But now in one fell swoop Obama comes out of nowhere to not just giving me hope but doing the deed as well. The big elephant in the room that is my life has been answered and evaporated. Is this karma? I did give out a bunch of water bottles to amigos waiting for a job. Thanks karma. Keep on keepin' on. I hope the DREAM Act let's me get a passport... I have soooo many places I wa...

Today I learned the name of three adults. 1) Ms. Pearlie. The local cashier at the Publix. We had a good conversation even though it lasted less than a minute. Talked about how I was heading into work and bringing people food. She knew the area I worked around and told her to come by one day. Left her with a smile. 2&3) Mr. Tim and his wife Mrs. Monica. Both of them are regulars at the restaurant. I talk to them a little bit before but it was mostly a script I just ran through with most regulars. I had been wanting to get into a real conversation with them and today was the day. Talked to them about my past year of learning as I became manager. It flowed pretty easily. They said I was doing a good job always taking care of them when they came in. Gave me a sense of ease because I've been wondering how I've been doing. I'm starting to be able to flow into conversations with people. Not just scripted robotic conversations either. Sure, the beginning is the same but ...

///EXPECTATIONS      I noticed this about myself over the past couple weeks and saw how other people's expectations of how I am greatly affect my actions towards them and my own actions in daily life to live up to those expectations. ///Pretty sure that's a run-on buttfuckit.\\\ I generally front people as being a kind person even though being apathetic and sometimes just flat-out rude would be the much easier path. ///Well, now that I really think of it, lately I've been feeling like there's two Me's. It's a really strange thing. I'll have to write on that in a second.\\\ Expectations make me want to reach those expectations to the point where it's not just a front but natural to me. I don't really know where I'm going with this and will probably go off-topic buttfuckittt.      I'm such a people pleaser to the point where I just get distraught to the point of depression when I upset someone. ///Unless it's just a rude ass jenky custome...

I bought a sketchbook and a bold Sharpie today. Well I didn't buy the Sharpie. I stole it. Puahahaha I steal things that can fit in my pocket... Saved me four McDoubles. I didn't really know where to start. Luckily, I got a friend that can draw pretty well and showed me some pointers. Told me to start to just draw out a bunch of different ways to write "MAC" in as fluid a motion as possible. It was awkward at first but got a little easier as I went on. The hard part is thinking up a design in my head before I start it. I don't have enough of a selection to imagine in my head to try to combine different fonts together into a new font. That will most likely come in time. I'm pretty excited for this. Already have a first place that we're gonna go tag once we find some time. Maybe summer gets my writing engine running. Or maybe not. I don't wanna go to work tomorrow... -edit Shit is just creepy sometimes. You know, when things go my way, or favor s...

///WHAT'S AT THE END            Every now and then I'll think about how big the universe is. How small we are. How everything we do, relatively is pointless. Which is great or terrible depending on your perspective of it. Anyway, I'll start to think how many millions of galaxies there are and how mind-blowing it is.        One day, I had the thought of wondering where it all ends. There has to be a point where it all ends at some point. And yet, I tried to imagine what it was like beyond the end. Can that happen? Is it possible to be outside the end? If you stood at the edge of the end what would the other side look like? I don't know at all. Maybe that's what scares me, just as it scares everyone else. The unknown is scary. I get more scared thinking about this than any other topic, including death.       At least with death I know I have two options. Option A: I die and become fertil...

I want to write but I can't think of anything to write about. This is caca. I'm having some serious blogger's block. What to do what to do.

So, I actually did get around to watching this Kony documentary. Before I watched it, my main impression was that it was just another cause that people we going for. I'd seen them in the past as people. Mainly LiNK. I'm the type of person that has to feel some tangible outcome from what I put in to make it worth my while so I didn't think much of LiNK nor Kony. For the most part, I was right. It was a video for some cause in a distant country that had a terrible problem that honestly, I could care less about. My view of the world is very subjective. I choose not to meddle in politics and whatnot because it is time wasted to me. However, there's a greater message besides taking down Kony that the documentary brought up briefly. I had been thinking about writing about how great the internet was for a while and had some great ideas on why it is the greatest invention. Watching Kony kind of just wrapped it all together for me in my head. Everything just kind of clicked an...

Hello, everybody. In an attempt to get myself to write more, I think I might share my blog some more. Like I've said before, it's easier to me to write when I feel like I have an audience rather than just writing down random rabble that bounces around in my noggin. I'm writing this before I decided where to share it. I'll probably start with Twitter or something. I dunno. Ah fuck it. Too tired to write right now. Maybe tomorrow. Too much work. To little R&R.

been writing down my dreams pretty much every day now. found a very effective way to remember. used to be hard because i wouldnt want to get out of bed to write down my dream on my blog or w/e. i tried notebook but i found that it's very hard bc i don't wanna write shit after i wake up. so i downloaded a dream journal app. tried writing it down in there so that when i woke up i would have something right next to me. kinda worked, except the keyboard was too annoying, i was still tired when i woke up, and it was really hard to read later on. i really liked notebook because it was the easiest to read, safest, and it does feel nice to write. so now i'm using both the phone and notebook. when i happen to wake up and remember parts of my dream to turn right to my phone, type in some quick notes of what i remember from the dream and fall back asleep if im still tired. however, i'm learning that even though i have the notes in there, i still tend to lose the memory and visuals...

Run for the sake of running while you can. We're not so old that we can't feel the wind rush past our face under the power of our own two legs. Dedicated to learning how to lucid dream now. Taking it much more seriously than I ever have before. I'm too excited to dream that I can't even fall asleep nowadays. I'll get habituated to it eventually. The only way I can travel is through inner journey so I may as well. -edit well i suck. sat around lazily for thirty minutes deciding whether to run or not. never did. hahahaahah imma bum. i dun care

///DREAM I was watching a football game and the Raven's were playing in a playoff game. It was a really intense game and was at the last few minutes with the score at 42-42. On the last play the Raven's had a crazy play where the ball was fumbled a lot and passed back and forth. In the end three of them picked it up and powered to the end zone. They all jumped happily into some mud and congratulated each other. Later, I was chilling in a room with James Oh from Chunjoo and we were talking about the game. The coach of thr Ravens came in and said it was stupid how someone complained about how violently they played. The letter was in Korean and I thought it was retarded because they played competitively, not violently. So, I took the letter and went into a class and yelled out,"Ravens are the best! Super Bowl baby!! Screw you guys!" And tore up the letter. I went back into the room I was chilling in and James looked at me funny for doing that and talked about how ...

YEEAHHHH HAD ANOTHER ZOMBIE DREAM!!! love em. love eeemmmm

///DREAM Dreamed that we were a server short. I was worried because it was going to be busy. For some reason, two new girls, Hurricane Lee, and Alex were all hired again. So we were fine. Dreaming of working is working for free. Nooo.

I wonder why I don't really write much anymore. It's been a few weeks since I've had any worthwhile entry. Most of my past entries have been on my dreams. Still dreaming but I'm too lazy to get myself to write about what they were. I'll need to try to keep writing my dreams. I feel aimless lately. I feel like I've already found my meaning to life and yet I feel a bit lost. I think it might be because of the lack of love and happiness that I'm surrounded by every day at work and at home. At work, I try everything I can to keep everyone happy. But it's always a constant struggle between keeping the co-workers happy versus keeping the owner off my back. It would be easy if I was on the owner's side more than the co-workers but they have my heart more over the cold-calculating one of the owner's. I can't help but care for them. We're all bonded together by having to work in such a shit hole. Only through the companionship do some days at wo...