expectations
///EXPECTATIONS
I noticed this about myself over the past couple weeks and saw how other people's expectations of how I am greatly affect my actions towards them and my own actions in daily life to live up to those expectations. ///Pretty sure that's a run-on buttfuckit.\\\ I generally front people as being a kind person even though being apathetic and sometimes just flat-out rude would be the much easier path. ///Well, now that I really think of it, lately I've been feeling like there's two Me's. It's a really strange thing. I'll have to write on that in a second.\\\ Expectations make me want to reach those expectations to the point where it's not just a front but natural to me. I don't really know where I'm going with this and will probably go off-topic buttfuckittt.
I'm such a people pleaser to the point where I just get distraught to the point of depression when I upset someone. ///Unless it's just a rude ass jenky customer. Fuck them. Kiku can bring the worst out of me.\\\ Obviously, one of the easiest ways to disappoint someone is when you don't live up to their expectations. I'm pretty sure the expectations plateau at some point or another with each person you meet. For that one person I meet, they have certain expectations of me and I try to reach them. I reach that goal and of course afterwards or somewhere before I reach my goal I'll meet another person worth meeting my expectations for. Yeah, I think that's it. ///Now I remember why I blogged. So fun to just think by typing and learning about myself. Nice to get it out in words. Makes it more concrete. I wonder why I like slashes so much. Looks edddggy.\\\ The key to this is I believe is just communication. Obviously, if you don't see a person on a day-to-day basis you won't care to meet up to their expectations because you simply won't care to. Why should anyone care to try to please a person they rarely see? Unless it's someone awesome. I guess a role model would suffice. Jesus? Diogenes? Somebody worth trying to live like. I'm running out of stuff on this topic.
///ME^2
So, like I said earlier, I wanted to take no summer classes this year, although I never took any before, to undertake a pretty daunting personal project. Personal as in an intrinsic goal to satisfy my soul I guess. ///I don't really like using the word soul. Too cheesy but I guess it's better than heart? Anyone else got a better word to describe that thing in all people? Probably not.\\\ This project, is to just stamp out all the bad habits I have in me. Like being lazy, procrastinating, being sad over nonsense, getting angry over ANYTHING, etc. Not only that but improving in other areas like social skills, physically, and trying to care for and actively show more love to everyone. So, right now I'm in the middle ground where everytime I do something I know I shouldn't be doing like getting angry I'll get really disappointed in myself. Because I know it's wrong and not where I want to be. This proverbial Purgatory of mine where I'm in a Heaven and Hell. Fully capable of understanding when I'm doing myself wrong but also greatly rewarded with satisfaction when I do something that just feels so good and right. ///This is all a process called SELF-ACTUALIZATION I learned about in psychology class. Becoming who you want to become as a person.\\\
I've said this in a past entry and I'll say it again, I don't think people realize how much we are creatures of habit. It's just mind-blowing how I can take a step back from my mental thinking and realize that I can train my brain. It's such a weird thought. That you can train the thing that that tells you what to do by training to in a repetitive nature to the point where it get's stuck into the subconscious. The mind is capable of soooo much if you just train it. Make habits of good things. I hope I'm able to stick to it. Here's my project check-list:
1) Be able to flow a conversation easily with a total stranger. Preferably not about small talk.
2) Cut all drugs out of my life.
3) Never send out negative vibes/energy to spread and fester to other people. Try my best to fake a neutral response at worst.
4) Send out as much positive vibes/energy when I can.
5) Be a person that just instantly brings a smile to a friend's face when they see me because I'll be smiling right back.
6) Cut out procrastination. Do like Nike and Just Do it.
7) Learn some damn skills at anything. Get good at something. Annyyytthiinggg
Gave up on lucid dreaming for now. Still taking way too much of my sleep schedule to try it again. Free dreaming on a regular basis though. Have a backlog of about a month's worth of dreams I need to write down. Probably not going to remember half of them when I read back but what can I do.
Gonna go to Kaskade in July sober. How can I say I love his music when I feel like half the pull is just the craving to get fucked up? I'll probably be fine though, the environment and music itself is enough of a mindfuck. Realized that memories from a molly night is great WHILE I'm on it and maybe the next couple days after but the week after the memory is just like any other memory. I'll test my theory out on whether or not being sober and still going will be a good memory. I should be able to ride the energy of all the chingoos there anyway.
Now that I gave myself some concrete expectations and let others read it. I'll have to live up to them.
Hopefully.
I noticed this about myself over the past couple weeks and saw how other people's expectations of how I am greatly affect my actions towards them and my own actions in daily life to live up to those expectations. ///Pretty sure that's a run-on buttfuckit.\\\ I generally front people as being a kind person even though being apathetic and sometimes just flat-out rude would be the much easier path. ///Well, now that I really think of it, lately I've been feeling like there's two Me's. It's a really strange thing. I'll have to write on that in a second.\\\ Expectations make me want to reach those expectations to the point where it's not just a front but natural to me. I don't really know where I'm going with this and will probably go off-topic buttfuckittt.
I'm such a people pleaser to the point where I just get distraught to the point of depression when I upset someone. ///Unless it's just a rude ass jenky customer. Fuck them. Kiku can bring the worst out of me.\\\ Obviously, one of the easiest ways to disappoint someone is when you don't live up to their expectations. I'm pretty sure the expectations plateau at some point or another with each person you meet. For that one person I meet, they have certain expectations of me and I try to reach them. I reach that goal and of course afterwards or somewhere before I reach my goal I'll meet another person worth meeting my expectations for. Yeah, I think that's it. ///Now I remember why I blogged. So fun to just think by typing and learning about myself. Nice to get it out in words. Makes it more concrete. I wonder why I like slashes so much. Looks edddggy.\\\ The key to this is I believe is just communication. Obviously, if you don't see a person on a day-to-day basis you won't care to meet up to their expectations because you simply won't care to. Why should anyone care to try to please a person they rarely see? Unless it's someone awesome. I guess a role model would suffice. Jesus? Diogenes? Somebody worth trying to live like. I'm running out of stuff on this topic.
///ME^2
So, like I said earlier, I wanted to take no summer classes this year, although I never took any before, to undertake a pretty daunting personal project. Personal as in an intrinsic goal to satisfy my soul I guess. ///I don't really like using the word soul. Too cheesy but I guess it's better than heart? Anyone else got a better word to describe that thing in all people? Probably not.\\\ This project, is to just stamp out all the bad habits I have in me. Like being lazy, procrastinating, being sad over nonsense, getting angry over ANYTHING, etc. Not only that but improving in other areas like social skills, physically, and trying to care for and actively show more love to everyone. So, right now I'm in the middle ground where everytime I do something I know I shouldn't be doing like getting angry I'll get really disappointed in myself. Because I know it's wrong and not where I want to be. This proverbial Purgatory of mine where I'm in a Heaven and Hell. Fully capable of understanding when I'm doing myself wrong but also greatly rewarded with satisfaction when I do something that just feels so good and right. ///This is all a process called SELF-ACTUALIZATION I learned about in psychology class. Becoming who you want to become as a person.\\\
I've said this in a past entry and I'll say it again, I don't think people realize how much we are creatures of habit. It's just mind-blowing how I can take a step back from my mental thinking and realize that I can train my brain. It's such a weird thought. That you can train the thing that that tells you what to do by training to in a repetitive nature to the point where it get's stuck into the subconscious. The mind is capable of soooo much if you just train it. Make habits of good things. I hope I'm able to stick to it. Here's my project check-list:
1) Be able to flow a conversation easily with a total stranger. Preferably not about small talk.
2) Cut all drugs out of my life.
3) Never send out negative vibes/energy to spread and fester to other people. Try my best to fake a neutral response at worst.
4) Send out as much positive vibes/energy when I can.
5) Be a person that just instantly brings a smile to a friend's face when they see me because I'll be smiling right back.
6) Cut out procrastination. Do like Nike and Just Do it.
7) Learn some damn skills at anything. Get good at something. Annyyytthiinggg
Gave up on lucid dreaming for now. Still taking way too much of my sleep schedule to try it again. Free dreaming on a regular basis though. Have a backlog of about a month's worth of dreams I need to write down. Probably not going to remember half of them when I read back but what can I do.
Gonna go to Kaskade in July sober. How can I say I love his music when I feel like half the pull is just the craving to get fucked up? I'll probably be fine though, the environment and music itself is enough of a mindfuck. Realized that memories from a molly night is great WHILE I'm on it and maybe the next couple days after but the week after the memory is just like any other memory. I'll test my theory out on whether or not being sober and still going will be a good memory. I should be able to ride the energy of all the chingoos there anyway.
Now that I gave myself some concrete expectations and let others read it. I'll have to live up to them.
Hopefully.
Comments
Post a Comment