So much to write about. So little care to write about. I'll just write about some things I've been feeling lately. No real specific order.
Sometimes I feel like I got the world figured out and myself figured out but things happens and I realize I don't know shit. I'm ready for nothing and feel an unorganized chaos in me but at least the possibilities seem endless. I feel like I'm only beginning to scratch the surface of my potential. Serving people at a restaurant was humbling enough but...
Lately, I've been volunteering and delivering meals to people and it's incredibly humbling. I don't feel good knowing that I've volunteered, I feel good because I volunteered and I loved it. Sometimes it feels like another job having to drive house to house but the people that I really connect with who appreciate what I do is reward enough. Meeting every new soul who knows how to appreciate happiness and kindness when it's smack in their face is just a huge breath of fresh air. Keeps my spirits up throughout the week. I love how the hugs I offer people bring such a genuine shock and happiness to their faces. Nothing like breaking out of societal norms and showing that good people exist. I'm armed with a smile and hope to spread it like wildfire. I remember one day when I was really tired but I was still obligated, I detest being obligated, to volunteer that day and I just felt like shit. Just wanted to get the route over with and go back home to sleep. I came across the next house and the person's name was some super ratchet ass ghetto sounding name. I saw a bunch of cars outside and went to go knock on the door. It took some time and the happiest and friendliest motherfucker greeted me. White hair, tall, white smile, and a cackle laugh. Told me to come on in and he appreciated me bringing me the meals. I told him,
"Man I want to be like you when I grow up."
"What? Gray hair and old?"
Just made me laugh at how easy-going, friendly, and happy he was. That's all I want when I grow up. Be able to be plopped down anywhere in the world and get along with everyone. He cheered me up and I had just witnessed first-hand how one act of genuine, routine-breaking kindness just spreads and gives a person so much energy they can't wait to spread it to the next person. Luckily for me I was only half-way through my route that day. Let's see... what else is there.
I've been re-defining everything I know in life. Questioning everything in every single way in every single perspective I can. And then to question again how I got to that idea. One peculiar thing I noticed about people is that as the achieve personal growth and become accepted into a new type of culture, most people immediately adopt the ideals of that culture. Strange thing but it makes that person just another face in the movement. Once you've seen a typical person of that culture you've seen them all. Sneering at things as a whole, too afraid to like the things they really like because it might be even slightly frowned upon within their monkeysphere.
I realized how much I hate showing-off. I hate sounding pretentious. Even writing in this blog makes me feel pretentious but meh I do this for myself and the smallest desire to be heard by even a few readers. Strangest feeling how if I wrote all this on a word document to never be shared it would feel pointless. Still haven't figured out why that is.
I still don't know what direction I'm headed in in life. Just floating on and using moderation in following the path of least resistance. Sometimes following the path of most resistance because it's challenging fun. I don't know what I want to do. I have had an awesome idea lately of hoping to be able to work for a restaurant nearby for free in return for cooking lessons. The owners there are super nice so maybe it'll work. I hope so... what else has been on my mind lately....
Me and one of my co-workers have come to a conclusion that something about the holiday and winter season just gets the loneliness juices flowing. All you want is someone by your side. I hate it. I know I have absolutely no time to try to squeeze someone in my life but being alone sucks this time of year. At least I have good friends. It's amazing how fickle my heart is. Seems as random as the direction of a gust of wind. It's leaving me a wreck but it's a bit more fun than normal life. Pretty damn annoying too though... I just keep telling myself I'll know it when I see it. Maybe I'm too fanciful. Oh well I'm too broke anyway.
I think people are too afraid to show kindness. We have such an ingrained behavior within our society where it's okay not to help someone in need. It's that whole experiment where people just think, "someone else will do it" well how about you be the one? Sure it'll cost you ten bucks to buy that hobo food. Sure you think it'll hurt your pocket a bit. The trick is to offer to eat with them and hear their story out. Cut the crap out of the conversation and just get a genuine one going. Tell them the things you've done and ask them what their passions are and the strongest lessons they've learned.
It's strange how easy it is for me to open up and tell strangers who I am at my core and yet it's impossible to tell my closest friends. Strange strange strange. I don't really get why. I would think that traveling has that same effect. I think people travel and love it because they are just plopped into a land where they can be whoever they want to be and that person they become is who they really are. You learn a lot about yourself and maybe some people just want to travel and travel because it's their 'drug', their escape. Hopefully, they'll realize that they can be whoever they want whenever they want. I don't know but that's how I feel about the drugs I've taken. Just take 'em, be whoever I want and thought I needed drugs to do that. Luckily for me, whatever is guiding me is one smart cookie and got me out of it. I really do feel like something is always there to guide my way, light my way, a guardian angel who keeps me positive but appropriately sad as well. As of now, I would describe it as my past lives that govern me. I don't really know how else to explain how I feel like I've lived so many times over. As much as I like to have fun and live the fast life every now and then I find that just relaxing by myself is very rejuvenating in itself. I don't know. I've just become a lot more conscious lately. It's funny how my 'auto-pilot' self will do something stupid and I'll become more conscious and laugh at why I did that. My systems of behavior that make me act weird brings me more hilarity into my life than any court jester ever could. And for that I am thankful too. The things I do question what kind of person would put up with living with me hahahaha.
Been dreaming still but been having an incredibly tough time sleeping a full eight hours on any given night. I don't know what it is. Been like this all semester. Sleep four hours. Wake up for one. Sleep another three. Wake up for thirty minutes. Can't fall back asleep. Tired throughout the day. I thought it was coffee at first so I cut coffee out of my daily routine. It's been a couple weeks now but the restless nights continue. Maybe it's because I'm pretty damn addicted to a game I'm playing right now and can't wait to wake up and play. Maybe I'm just too excited to dream. Maybe maybe maybe. Maybe I'm wrong. I miss my eight hours of sleep. I would be golden for a day.
I love to read but for some reason I find it pointless to read. Not sure what's going on there. It's like my love to write but I hate to write. I figure it's the related cost in time needed to put in vs. the reward. Kind of like running. I hate it but I feel awesome after it. Or falling asleep. Takes like fifteen minutes but my mind just believes so strongly that those fifteen minutes can be better spent on youtube... eff you brain. Been trying to break that wall down so that I can just act on my thoughts faster. Meeerrrrrrr
There are a couple things irritating about the people around my age group right now. First, is this saying, "man we're getting old." Shut. The. Fuck. Up. We are just entering the prime of our lives. I wouldn't be surprised if my twenties were the most exciting years of my life. It's the first time we actually get to figure out what the world is really about. Become who we really want to be. I don't like how people my age talk about how 'old' we are. How do you think the people who are thirty feel? And even when we're thirty what will the people who are forty feel? And so on and so forth. You are never old unless YOU believe you are. Another thing is so readily people graduate and throw themselves into the corporate grindhouse. Because money is so important. I'd take that time and meet some interesting people and I'll most likely find my job working for someone I find worth following. That is, if I even end up getting a real job. Not sure how I feel about being tied down to any job.
Time seems irrelevant to me. It's just there to keep my schedules that society so badly enforces upon us. There is no time but the present really. The past is a bunch of memories that we choose to hold on to and help define us. The future is just our expectations. It's weird but sometimes I can just put myself into a mindset where nothing but the present matters. I forget my past and my futures. Helps me just relax and just do something wild. It's something I'm working on. One of my mental muscles I'm trying to bulk up and flex.
What else has been interesting... hmmmmmmm I'll stop it with a closing statement to myself.
Don't be afraid to show your love for all with actions. I need to tell the people who I respect the most the things I believe so they'll know that although I will most likely be poor in money, I'll be rich in happiness. “Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid." This quote couldn't sum up my life goal any better. Don't judge my happiness by how much money I make. I plan on running away from this place and going some random place that feels like home the most to me one day anyway.
People I'm dying to have a real conversation with:
Aaren
Lorenz
Lexie
Ms. Tusher
Tim & Monica
Shawone
Kari
Ricky
Man that's a lot of people... I better hop on that shit.
Time to sleep but not before I watch fifteen minutes of youtube.
Sometimes I feel like I got the world figured out and myself figured out but things happens and I realize I don't know shit. I'm ready for nothing and feel an unorganized chaos in me but at least the possibilities seem endless. I feel like I'm only beginning to scratch the surface of my potential. Serving people at a restaurant was humbling enough but...
Lately, I've been volunteering and delivering meals to people and it's incredibly humbling. I don't feel good knowing that I've volunteered, I feel good because I volunteered and I loved it. Sometimes it feels like another job having to drive house to house but the people that I really connect with who appreciate what I do is reward enough. Meeting every new soul who knows how to appreciate happiness and kindness when it's smack in their face is just a huge breath of fresh air. Keeps my spirits up throughout the week. I love how the hugs I offer people bring such a genuine shock and happiness to their faces. Nothing like breaking out of societal norms and showing that good people exist. I'm armed with a smile and hope to spread it like wildfire. I remember one day when I was really tired but I was still obligated, I detest being obligated, to volunteer that day and I just felt like shit. Just wanted to get the route over with and go back home to sleep. I came across the next house and the person's name was some super ratchet ass ghetto sounding name. I saw a bunch of cars outside and went to go knock on the door. It took some time and the happiest and friendliest motherfucker greeted me. White hair, tall, white smile, and a cackle laugh. Told me to come on in and he appreciated me bringing me the meals. I told him,
"Man I want to be like you when I grow up."
"What? Gray hair and old?"
Just made me laugh at how easy-going, friendly, and happy he was. That's all I want when I grow up. Be able to be plopped down anywhere in the world and get along with everyone. He cheered me up and I had just witnessed first-hand how one act of genuine, routine-breaking kindness just spreads and gives a person so much energy they can't wait to spread it to the next person. Luckily for me I was only half-way through my route that day. Let's see... what else is there.
I've been re-defining everything I know in life. Questioning everything in every single way in every single perspective I can. And then to question again how I got to that idea. One peculiar thing I noticed about people is that as the achieve personal growth and become accepted into a new type of culture, most people immediately adopt the ideals of that culture. Strange thing but it makes that person just another face in the movement. Once you've seen a typical person of that culture you've seen them all. Sneering at things as a whole, too afraid to like the things they really like because it might be even slightly frowned upon within their monkeysphere.
I realized how much I hate showing-off. I hate sounding pretentious. Even writing in this blog makes me feel pretentious but meh I do this for myself and the smallest desire to be heard by even a few readers. Strangest feeling how if I wrote all this on a word document to never be shared it would feel pointless. Still haven't figured out why that is.
I still don't know what direction I'm headed in in life. Just floating on and using moderation in following the path of least resistance. Sometimes following the path of most resistance because it's challenging fun. I don't know what I want to do. I have had an awesome idea lately of hoping to be able to work for a restaurant nearby for free in return for cooking lessons. The owners there are super nice so maybe it'll work. I hope so... what else has been on my mind lately....
Me and one of my co-workers have come to a conclusion that something about the holiday and winter season just gets the loneliness juices flowing. All you want is someone by your side. I hate it. I know I have absolutely no time to try to squeeze someone in my life but being alone sucks this time of year. At least I have good friends. It's amazing how fickle my heart is. Seems as random as the direction of a gust of wind. It's leaving me a wreck but it's a bit more fun than normal life. Pretty damn annoying too though... I just keep telling myself I'll know it when I see it. Maybe I'm too fanciful. Oh well I'm too broke anyway.
I think people are too afraid to show kindness. We have such an ingrained behavior within our society where it's okay not to help someone in need. It's that whole experiment where people just think, "someone else will do it" well how about you be the one? Sure it'll cost you ten bucks to buy that hobo food. Sure you think it'll hurt your pocket a bit. The trick is to offer to eat with them and hear their story out. Cut the crap out of the conversation and just get a genuine one going. Tell them the things you've done and ask them what their passions are and the strongest lessons they've learned.
It's strange how easy it is for me to open up and tell strangers who I am at my core and yet it's impossible to tell my closest friends. Strange strange strange. I don't really get why. I would think that traveling has that same effect. I think people travel and love it because they are just plopped into a land where they can be whoever they want to be and that person they become is who they really are. You learn a lot about yourself and maybe some people just want to travel and travel because it's their 'drug', their escape. Hopefully, they'll realize that they can be whoever they want whenever they want. I don't know but that's how I feel about the drugs I've taken. Just take 'em, be whoever I want and thought I needed drugs to do that. Luckily for me, whatever is guiding me is one smart cookie and got me out of it. I really do feel like something is always there to guide my way, light my way, a guardian angel who keeps me positive but appropriately sad as well. As of now, I would describe it as my past lives that govern me. I don't really know how else to explain how I feel like I've lived so many times over. As much as I like to have fun and live the fast life every now and then I find that just relaxing by myself is very rejuvenating in itself. I don't know. I've just become a lot more conscious lately. It's funny how my 'auto-pilot' self will do something stupid and I'll become more conscious and laugh at why I did that. My systems of behavior that make me act weird brings me more hilarity into my life than any court jester ever could. And for that I am thankful too. The things I do question what kind of person would put up with living with me hahahaha.
Been dreaming still but been having an incredibly tough time sleeping a full eight hours on any given night. I don't know what it is. Been like this all semester. Sleep four hours. Wake up for one. Sleep another three. Wake up for thirty minutes. Can't fall back asleep. Tired throughout the day. I thought it was coffee at first so I cut coffee out of my daily routine. It's been a couple weeks now but the restless nights continue. Maybe it's because I'm pretty damn addicted to a game I'm playing right now and can't wait to wake up and play. Maybe I'm just too excited to dream. Maybe maybe maybe. Maybe I'm wrong. I miss my eight hours of sleep. I would be golden for a day.
I love to read but for some reason I find it pointless to read. Not sure what's going on there. It's like my love to write but I hate to write. I figure it's the related cost in time needed to put in vs. the reward. Kind of like running. I hate it but I feel awesome after it. Or falling asleep. Takes like fifteen minutes but my mind just believes so strongly that those fifteen minutes can be better spent on youtube... eff you brain. Been trying to break that wall down so that I can just act on my thoughts faster. Meeerrrrrrr
There are a couple things irritating about the people around my age group right now. First, is this saying, "man we're getting old." Shut. The. Fuck. Up. We are just entering the prime of our lives. I wouldn't be surprised if my twenties were the most exciting years of my life. It's the first time we actually get to figure out what the world is really about. Become who we really want to be. I don't like how people my age talk about how 'old' we are. How do you think the people who are thirty feel? And even when we're thirty what will the people who are forty feel? And so on and so forth. You are never old unless YOU believe you are. Another thing is so readily people graduate and throw themselves into the corporate grindhouse. Because money is so important. I'd take that time and meet some interesting people and I'll most likely find my job working for someone I find worth following. That is, if I even end up getting a real job. Not sure how I feel about being tied down to any job.
Time seems irrelevant to me. It's just there to keep my schedules that society so badly enforces upon us. There is no time but the present really. The past is a bunch of memories that we choose to hold on to and help define us. The future is just our expectations. It's weird but sometimes I can just put myself into a mindset where nothing but the present matters. I forget my past and my futures. Helps me just relax and just do something wild. It's something I'm working on. One of my mental muscles I'm trying to bulk up and flex.
What else has been interesting... hmmmmmmm I'll stop it with a closing statement to myself.
Don't be afraid to show your love for all with actions. I need to tell the people who I respect the most the things I believe so they'll know that although I will most likely be poor in money, I'll be rich in happiness. “Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid." This quote couldn't sum up my life goal any better. Don't judge my happiness by how much money I make. I plan on running away from this place and going some random place that feels like home the most to me one day anyway.
People I'm dying to have a real conversation with:
Aaren
Lorenz
Lexie
Ms. Tusher
Tim & Monica
Shawone
Kari
Ricky
Man that's a lot of people... I better hop on that shit.
Time to sleep but not before I watch fifteen minutes of youtube.
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