Stopped my meds

///STOPPED TAKING MY MEDICATION

                 (Been a long while. Hopefully this changes and I'm inspired to write here more)

              Not too long ago (maybe at most two months) I self-diagnosed myself to taking lamotrigine just once a day instead of the usual twice a day. For some odd reason it seemed that taking it that way worked better for me in terms of drinking alcohol the day after. I felt no difference in effects and it would be cheaper this way. Prescription costs ~$125 a month which is no joke. Taking it once a day effectively halved the price of it. No harm to me and it made perfect sense. Done.

               Fast forward Tomorrowworld which was the weekend of 9/25-27 and all my shit got jacked. Whatever, I really didn't mind. (Which I'm still pretty amazed about. I'm glad I don't harbor attachment to physical objects. Sucks that I lost my journal and Cowon J3 with my headphones. Only stuff I really want back. I am sads). Anyway, it had my medication in there which I was suddenly without for at least a day and the last time I was suddenly cut off from my medication I felt this terrible depression/anxiety just settle into my heart and chest. My body felt just oddly tingly all throughout as if there was a low electrical current running. Honestly, the tingly sensation felt pretty cool but that anxiety... No no no. nononono. Did I say no? NO! I didn't want that feeling ever again. All of that caused me to fear missing a day of the medication but the first day passed and I didn't feel anything like that. Strange. 

               So I got the idea to maybe not take the medication at all as a little experiment of mine. I went a couple days without it and felt okay? I had one night where I didn't get a good night's rest and ended up having minor myoclonic jerks but these felt different somehow. Usually when I have jerks it would empty my mind and I'd completely forget what I was doing for a little bit. But with these I had more sense in my head after. It was strange and I still don't know what to make of it. A few hours pass and the jerks always seem to stop after I get up and about my day. 

               I had a day where I was planning on doing some heavy drinking which I think was on a Saturday 10/3. Hung out with Poor Calvin's work crew and just drank for pretty much twelve hours straight. (Candler Park fest was an absolute blast while we jammed out to some old school funky music there. Definitely a memory to remember). I actually took two lamotrigine as what was per the norm before. One in the morning and one before I fell asleep. Woke up the next morning and didn't have any jerks which was great. Only ill effects was a slight hangover and that disgusting feeling of alcohol still sitting in my stomach that causes a absolutely terrible taste. 

              Fast forward again to Monday 10/5 and I had not taken any lamotrigine for a few days. I felt tingly here and there but I seem to have soldiered through it and I believe my body is completely rid of any residual effects and is cleansed. I felt no ill effects of myoclonic jerks despite having drank to blackout drunkenness. (Which reminds me, I drove from Clara's place to Sean/Ellie's place. Can't believe I did that. All the while having an open bottle in my car too).  Something about my thoughts seem more clear/lucid/concrete. I also feel like I can feel more emotions and not only that but I feel them stronger. I've haven't had frisson like this just listening to new music in a long time. What is it? It could perhaps be the 5-HTP I've been taking to recover from any negative effects from rolling at Tomorrowworld but honestly I took less over the weekend than I would have in a day usually. I'm so happy right now just really feeling the music. 

            Hopefully this is the start of something different and something tangible. I've always hated being on medications due to the philosophical question it would conjure. How do I know who I really am if I'm on medication that effects brain chemistry? What a fun experiment.