I'm All He's Got

///DAD-APPA
         Listening to Dpat - Cutthroat (Dpat is damn good. Makes the mind drift off on another level)
       
         Just called Appa via Tango. It's probably been almost a week if it hasn't been a week already since I've last talked to him. I'm not sure why I don't like talking to him. It's a terribly terrible feeling to have. Maybe I resent him for my childhood. That's for another entry... He picked up the call without it even ringing once on my end. "Must be a slow day at the restaurant." We made some quick small talk about weather and stuff. Found out he had to close the restaurant because it wasn't bringing in any business and the hot weather wasn't helping the fact that the place utilized heated grills. I told him that restaurant businesses are a bad idea. Always too prideful to do anything but to be his own boss... "So what job are you doing now?" "I have no job right now, I'm on vacation!" he said with faked excitement. At this point, my heart just sank. I knew that he probably has very few friends/acquaintances out there, and without something to keep him busy I fear he may slip into a deep depression. 
       The part of me that can't help but empathize with other's pain wrought my stomach. "I cry whenever we hang up afterwards." Those words... just made it so much worse. He talked about how expensive milk was and that he was drinking out of just a half-pint box. Made me wonder how much money he really had. He made talk of having to make a lot of money to buy me a house. That he would be able to die once he got me a house. All this somber talk... It used to be, "one day I'll buy you a car. Not a junk car but a nice car!" Now it suddenly upped to a house? What gives? Something's wrong. I'm scared. I'm scared for my father who is halfway across the world. Lonely. Sad. Broken. Just wants to see his son. I'm all he has. I can feel this emotional/spiritual line/string/connection between me and him. His happiness depends on me. I can't help but empathize sadness. What do I do? I feel so helpless. I can't say that I love him the way I should but he's still my father that raised me. I'm a terrible person for not calling him more often. Grievances. 






WHO DO I HAVE TO TELL MY PROBLEMS TO? I SIT HERE AND HOLD IT IN. NO ONE KNOWS. WHY ... does it really matter if i tell anyone anyway? am i too proud to tell or am i too scared to tell?

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