I would let myself believe

///THAT FAIRY TALE LOVE

           So that last blog was just about fucking for fun and that's all it'll be with Linda. I'm currently finishing up the last few minutes of 500 Days of Summer (one of my favorite movies that I should actually blog about what I think of it) and it got me thinking about how I want to be in love. I'm not talking about falling in love into marriage but just float on the cloud of infatuation riding it through until it burns out and crashes. Deep down I probably wouldn't believe that I was in love but I would let myself believe I was just to ad... meh, a bunch of these thoughts stemmed from me while watching the movie as if under the effects of a drug. Still, it would be fun to just be able to experience the fun of being in a kiddish love. Just be texting each other every day and meeting up like that. I guess that's what Noona's going through right now too.

             I should probably support her more considering what she's going through. It's an interesting little point in life she's in and I hope that the guy actually does fall for her and she him because at least he'd be able to provide a stable life. Most importantly she's actually happy and I'm just completely shitting on it. I should at the very least be more amicable about it now since there is definitely a chance that the whole thing does fall through and I would most bet that that would put her in huge emotional sorrow pit. (Kinda went off track but oh well). 

///WHAT'S UP WITH ME

             Something with my brain chemistry/soul/spirit/demeanor/personality is incredibly off and has been for the past few weeks. Maybe the crush of not being accepted into Teach For America is having a much greater underlying effect than I thought. Maybe it's the whole thing of thinking I was accepted by a chick but then not again by Clara. (This in and of itself is a huge issue regarding all relationships I hold with people actually. Crippling).

              My best hypothesis is that it's just a chemical imbalance within my body. I've been through shit before and just shrugged it off, still happy and jolly but lately I've been drinking a lot more and compounding that with less exercise, less volunteering & less giving. Time to swing things around boys! Went back to Open Hand for the first time in ages and felt good to be in a good environment like that again even if it was in a stupid hungover manner. It'll be nice to hit the road again and just give out hugs for the hell of it to my delivery stops.  I miss just rolling around the streets and carrying bags full of meals proudly exclaiming to curious folks that, "Yeah, I'm just delivering meals for something like Meals-On-Wheels!" knowing full well that the person asking would be uplifted even a little bit by that remark and hopefully once more from my smile. I miss seeing new faces on routes and new areas that humble me. When I start again, I need to make a bit more of an effort to get to know the seniors rather than just hugs and meal drop offs, should help me satiate the need I have of helping other people. Right?

            Less drinking as well, that probably had quite a chunk to do with the whole "messing of my chemistry" thing going on. I like to drink but lately I've experienced a slight epiphany in that I don't need to pre-drink to have fun, I can have my first drink somewhere and be okay with only two or three more. (Weird typing "two or three" since most people would say "one or two" but 'ey~~~ I'm a bit of an alcoholic so fuck that! :D) 

This is it.

It begins here.

My journey to (re)achieving balance.