///ADVENTURE
Three years I've been toiling. The first two and a half years were some years of immense personal growth. Spiritually, socially, physically, mentally, academically, even financially (although, that is more financial stability than actual increase in monetary amounts.) I only feel work is holding me back in all my ambition for the things I want to do. My only hope is that I am able to keep focused on my goals and actualize my thoughts into the real world. It's a slow process and I'm not even sure if I'm headed towards a net positive in that particular area lately.
Maybe I just need a break for a while. Is my lack of focus from the copious (significantly cut down now) amount of drugs I've done? Is it the Keppra that's fucking me up? I always seem to come out feeling very content for a few months after a good trip. It's been almost a year, is that why I lack focus? Is it because my external world is bringing me sorrow because the people I the negative/sad energy of my co-workers oozes into my every being as emotion osmosis? Is it my lack of inner control that seeps out into the external? Is it that I seemed to have strayed from the Path? What caused me to stray from it when it was as easy to follow as true north a few months ago? Too many questions and no answers to be found. It's why I need some space for a while and just rediscover myself. Long days of doing nothing and just reflecting. Long hikes and just explore the city finding new tags.
Hopefully I'll be able to go on my first backpacking trip in a few weeks in order to begin my nature hikes and camping skills. I know absolutely nothing about it so it'll be fun. I need to learn how to swim so I can go on that massive two week trip across the country. I'm going to be super-bummed if I can't make it to that trip and I know it. I need to find someone to teach me to swim ASAP. Too many adventures to be had and I'm the only one stopping myself from going on them. And I'm proving to be one helluva obstacle. Damn damn damn.
///MEDICATIONS
I'm not 100% sure that Keppra is the root of all these problems but it seems like the only reasonable thing as to why I am the way I am lately. I have a hair-trigger rage problem in which the slightest, minutely, insignificant thing can just tick me off and get me so angry. I lose control. I've caught myself multiple times just tearing up from some strange sense of sadness on the commute to work. Caught myself laughing like a maniac that I felt I couldn't even control. Everything would just be ridiculously hilarious and I'd laugh and laugh. Sometimes I'll feel so happy I just want to hug everyone and talk to them. Those moments I feel as if I've really made progress on who I want to become but it's just a false prophet. It's gone as soon as it comes and it's repeated so many times I've realized it's a pattern. Something underlying is going wrong and I think it's the chemistry in my brain caused by Keppra. One other slight possibility is from the seizure I had almost a year ago after taking some 2C-I. Only reason I don't believe it was that was because I was perfectly fine the couple months after and the side effects of Keppra seemed to kick in only then. Started noticing different little things about me and saw the relationships around me deteriorating that caused me to search for another meaning, which was Keppra.
Shortly thereafter, I began scouring the internet for side effects of Keppra and found it very notorious for making people's lives hell. "Kepprage" they call it. Kepprage I feel it. I attempted to alleviate the symptoms by lowering the dosage I took from 2x500mg a day to simply taking 1x500mg a day. For some reason it seemed to only incite more Kepprage in me as I got angrier and angrier. This did also happen to coincide with busy season at work which of course incredibly stressful over a two-three month period. The worst was when my dreaded fog of depression would seep in. Words cannot describe how terrible that feeling is. I feel the world is against me, everyone dislikes me, there's no point to doing anything, no reason to talk to anyone because what's the point, didn't want to eat, didn't want to exercise. Nothing could snap me out of it until the fog passed. Everything just massed up into one big Katamari heap and snowballed.
I had roughly a two month period where I drank heavily (six to seven drinks) and on top of that drove home every time. It worked. For a little bit. Being the rational (so I like to think) person that I am, I realized I needed to kick this habit in the bin before anything bad happened. However, one Tuesday after a tiring day at work I went to my friend's place and had a drink while playing a game. It had been almost twenty-four hours since my last medication and I was getting myoclonus in rapid succession but I thought nothing of it because I've had plenty of these in the past and nothing happened except... having myoclonus. Just so happened I went into a tonic-clonic seizure and that was bad. Now I'm back to taking Keppra 2x500mg daily and I just hate it.
Taking 5-HTP to combat the depression episodes and it really has been helping. I hate having to take supplements because I want become who I want to become organically. JME makes this impossible because I have to take medications for the rest of my life but the only supplement/med if I have to is the one for JME. It disturbs me to the core not knowing whether who I am fundamentally is who I am every day because of the supplements/meds or if I am really being me. Woe is fundamental me.
///OTHER
I really want to lucid dream again. I miss it. I can't believe I stopped because "I couldn't get my sleep schedule set." Stupid me! I could have adjusted and I wouldn't have to re-learn this supreme skill. Everytime I think about flying it just spurs the cogs in my spirit and it yearns for it. A penchant that is nowhere near being quenched. LOOK AT MY HANDS!!! IS THIS A DREAM? no
It's getting late. I needed this blog. I needed to get my inner chatter out on a "physical" for me to visualize. I feel a bit relieved.
Three years I've been toiling. The first two and a half years were some years of immense personal growth. Spiritually, socially, physically, mentally, academically, even financially (although, that is more financial stability than actual increase in monetary amounts.) I only feel work is holding me back in all my ambition for the things I want to do. My only hope is that I am able to keep focused on my goals and actualize my thoughts into the real world. It's a slow process and I'm not even sure if I'm headed towards a net positive in that particular area lately.
Maybe I just need a break for a while. Is my lack of focus from the copious (significantly cut down now) amount of drugs I've done? Is it the Keppra that's fucking me up? I always seem to come out feeling very content for a few months after a good trip. It's been almost a year, is that why I lack focus? Is it because my external world is bringing me sorrow because the people I the negative/sad energy of my co-workers oozes into my every being as emotion osmosis? Is it my lack of inner control that seeps out into the external? Is it that I seemed to have strayed from the Path? What caused me to stray from it when it was as easy to follow as true north a few months ago? Too many questions and no answers to be found. It's why I need some space for a while and just rediscover myself. Long days of doing nothing and just reflecting. Long hikes and just explore the city finding new tags.
Hopefully I'll be able to go on my first backpacking trip in a few weeks in order to begin my nature hikes and camping skills. I know absolutely nothing about it so it'll be fun. I need to learn how to swim so I can go on that massive two week trip across the country. I'm going to be super-bummed if I can't make it to that trip and I know it. I need to find someone to teach me to swim ASAP. Too many adventures to be had and I'm the only one stopping myself from going on them. And I'm proving to be one helluva obstacle. Damn damn damn.
///MEDICATIONS
I'm not 100% sure that Keppra is the root of all these problems but it seems like the only reasonable thing as to why I am the way I am lately. I have a hair-trigger rage problem in which the slightest, minutely, insignificant thing can just tick me off and get me so angry. I lose control. I've caught myself multiple times just tearing up from some strange sense of sadness on the commute to work. Caught myself laughing like a maniac that I felt I couldn't even control. Everything would just be ridiculously hilarious and I'd laugh and laugh. Sometimes I'll feel so happy I just want to hug everyone and talk to them. Those moments I feel as if I've really made progress on who I want to become but it's just a false prophet. It's gone as soon as it comes and it's repeated so many times I've realized it's a pattern. Something underlying is going wrong and I think it's the chemistry in my brain caused by Keppra. One other slight possibility is from the seizure I had almost a year ago after taking some 2C-I. Only reason I don't believe it was that was because I was perfectly fine the couple months after and the side effects of Keppra seemed to kick in only then. Started noticing different little things about me and saw the relationships around me deteriorating that caused me to search for another meaning, which was Keppra.
Shortly thereafter, I began scouring the internet for side effects of Keppra and found it very notorious for making people's lives hell. "Kepprage" they call it. Kepprage I feel it. I attempted to alleviate the symptoms by lowering the dosage I took from 2x500mg a day to simply taking 1x500mg a day. For some reason it seemed to only incite more Kepprage in me as I got angrier and angrier. This did also happen to coincide with busy season at work which of course incredibly stressful over a two-three month period. The worst was when my dreaded fog of depression would seep in. Words cannot describe how terrible that feeling is. I feel the world is against me, everyone dislikes me, there's no point to doing anything, no reason to talk to anyone because what's the point, didn't want to eat, didn't want to exercise. Nothing could snap me out of it until the fog passed. Everything just massed up into one big Katamari heap and snowballed.
I had roughly a two month period where I drank heavily (six to seven drinks) and on top of that drove home every time. It worked. For a little bit. Being the rational (so I like to think) person that I am, I realized I needed to kick this habit in the bin before anything bad happened. However, one Tuesday after a tiring day at work I went to my friend's place and had a drink while playing a game. It had been almost twenty-four hours since my last medication and I was getting myoclonus in rapid succession but I thought nothing of it because I've had plenty of these in the past and nothing happened except... having myoclonus. Just so happened I went into a tonic-clonic seizure and that was bad. Now I'm back to taking Keppra 2x500mg daily and I just hate it.
Taking 5-HTP to combat the depression episodes and it really has been helping. I hate having to take supplements because I want become who I want to become organically. JME makes this impossible because I have to take medications for the rest of my life but the only supplement/med if I have to is the one for JME. It disturbs me to the core not knowing whether who I am fundamentally is who I am every day because of the supplements/meds or if I am really being me. Woe is fundamental me.
///OTHER
I really want to lucid dream again. I miss it. I can't believe I stopped because "I couldn't get my sleep schedule set." Stupid me! I could have adjusted and I wouldn't have to re-learn this supreme skill. Everytime I think about flying it just spurs the cogs in my spirit and it yearns for it. A penchant that is nowhere near being quenched. LOOK AT MY HANDS!!! IS THIS A DREAM? no
It's getting late. I needed this blog. I needed to get my inner chatter out on a "physical" for me to visualize. I feel a bit relieved.
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