SPIRI-TRIVIVAL

///LET'S TRY THIS AGAIN
Recent revival of spirits and seeing energies in the world due to a weird ass night a week ago. Ended up hooking up with Erin apparently and this got me all into astrology and whatnot. Pulled out some books I had been meaning to read like Spiritual Alchemy and Ferrucci's What We May Be. Read at least a hundred pages total while I was in Detroit. I didn't think anything would stick with me but a couple that did were transforming fear into positive energies of progress and understanding that growing as a person/soul won't have a definite "AHA" moment but is rather slow and gradual. It'll slowly ooze a little at a time hopefully. Most of the stuff in the books has been mumbo-jumbo filled with jargon that's too loopy for me. 

Maybe I've felt like I'm going to... well I'll just cut myself off here. When I say that "Oh this is it but just for a bit," I've already given up. It'll be over when I fall into the first dip won't it? But to be honest this happens after I fall flat on impressing someone. I have a sudden burst of energy to prove them wrong. To be more interesting. To be more focused. To be more adventurous. [lmao this is about to get depressing again. woopie] It's all a facade. A sham. Charlatan. 

I can't tell whether the feelings I have right now with Erin as the focus is from a root of liking her or from my own neurotic personality just craving approval. Maybe a bit of both. It just really sucks knowing that this is on me. 

///THINGS TO MENTION
  • What was my past life? I can't understand why I can't be comfortable with anyone. There's something holding me back. Just destined to be alone. My best guess is intense trauma from a relationship in the past. But I do think I was a musician/writer/caretaker of some sort in the past. I have a kindling of fire when I go near these topics. Too many distractions in this life both currently and growing up have created this incredible barrier that's stymied my growth. It's my own fault as well. I should have more willpower but I... just can't. 
  • FEAR. Must of my in-actions are based around fear and apprehensiveness. I'm too scared to see the outcome of an action I play in my head because I'm so used to being dormant. It's status quo and it sucks. 
  • Destined to be single.
  • The passage about "soul family."
  • Maybe our paths crossed at this point to cause growth. She's here to show me now that in order for anything to ever happen with anyone, I've got to be able to open up and be myself. That I am too self-conscious. 
  • There is the Self and then aspects around it. Certain "characters" live within our personalities that make appearances in certain situations. They can be both positive and negative. When identified you can see where growth can occur from strengthening/beating back characters. 
  • I don't care much for astrology but reading how many Geminis are attributed with a strong sense of curiosity compounded with my mindset to transform fear into positive energy has been interesting so far. I see the world in a different light/prism. I see opportunity where I did not before. 
  • I ruined it because all I did was get fucked up when I saw her. Whether it was alcohol or whatever else. Also because I was scared to show affection with my insecurities. 

-edit

What a joke this post was. This is all about my self-pity and wanting others to pity me. Psycho-analyze DISSSSS


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