FEELS[]MUSIC

///WHAT I SOUNDS THO

• Headphones. The way sound has changed since I had put on headphones is ridiculous. All sounds/noises are so much more pronounced/crisp/clear. The rumble (not bass rumble) of the lower frequencies is so soothing. 
• The textures. Mostly relegated by the frequencies. [[[lights dimmed. monitor dimmed. Nosaj Thing - Light 3 on. 770's on. let's see how long i last]]] The nice crunchy feels of lows or the tsss of a high. It's nice to find an artist that has a unique wobble/feel to it.
• The glottal stops. I abso-fucking-lutely loves songs with a sudden lapse in sound only to reappear a second later or ones that taper off then come back in full force. Big Wild, Swell, Bondax, but I can't think of any more right now. Aaaahhh the glottal stop in Big Wild is nice. 
• Soundstage. Maybe chips in more to 'headphones' but this is what makes getting lost in music the best. Just close my eyes and get wrapped up in a blanket by the music. Takes a few seconds to focus to let my mind flow with the music but once it gets going... man. Songs I might not like otherwise are just amazing. Hearing each note the way it travels and having the sensation of waves coursing around my head. Feeling the way sounds travel in and out of space. Picking up on the most minute details that I wouldn't pick up otherwise. It's amazing how much music is being missed out on because of the lack of soundstage reference. [which reminds me. the hd-25iis were actually really nice today. the bass response is strong but the isolation is amazing. clamp is a bit strong though]

airy spacious colored atmospheric textured watery 

///NIGHT-SPIRATION

Used to be the late hours would inspire me. It would reveal me to myself and what I wanted from future endeavors. Would give me a meditative/cathartic feel. It still does I suppose which is why I let my fingers flow from letter to letter (hopefully) unabashed. I sit here after many months of leaving this blog empty and leaving the only person I'm comfortable talking to about anything without an outlet. [[[i will say that sometimes i change words as if one day i'll give this blog an audience]]] Hopefully this is the start of regular blogs again. I need it to sort all these thoughts, or rather even begin to create more thoughts. 

I've wondered for a while why I don't think nearly as much and even recently tried to blame it on the Lamotrigine (lmao). Yeah, no. I can already tell that it's because I don't write it down. I let ideas pass and go. I let feelings I had from a certain book go fleeting, not to be thought of again in a week's time. [[[fuck this song is way too busy. California Poppy. no thank you. next]]] 

Let's make a quick list of things I need to talk about:

1. endeavors
2. The Tracker
3. personality "characters"
4. fear
5. why I can't relax and be my true Self around others

After watching Time Travelers (Grand Canyon) on Vimeo, I caught wanderlust in my heart for a bit. Teared up thinking about it. Vowed to make sure I traveled and changed my ways to something more interesting. I had surge of energy to just say 'fuck it' and go travel. I was at peace and knew that I just wanted to adventure. It was going to happen, I was going to do more things. Then it disappeared. It disappeared because I sat in front of my computer and clicked silly little links that were nothing but morsels of sugar/salt. Satiating for the moment but no longevity. Knowledge is sustenance. WHERE DID MY WANDERLUST GO? WHERE DID MY PATH GO? 

why... why... come back... have to earn it

Start getting my hiking stuff ready. I looked up ways to set up a hammock tarp. Failed and just ran into a bunch of over-complicated (for me) mumbo jumbo. I just can't seem to take the time to learn new things. I expect to be able to understand ideas/concepts quickly. It's not happening like that. I've been spoon fed all my opportunities my whole life. I'm too used giving up before I even really try. When I do put in even a little bit of time I'm able to learn. It feels good. A sense of accomplishment.

Man this is all pretty frustrating. I've got to transform this energy into a positive light. I can't wrap my head around how. I know. I just need to start. Work is a different story.

///WORK LIFE

It used to be that I didn't have to worry about any jobs because being in school was my job. Not only did I go to school but I pretty much worked full-time at other jobs since the age of nineteen/twenty. I was doing more than enough to feel like I was accomplishing things. [[[i wonder if this time stymied my growth. i doubt it actually. i would just played games]]] I have this thing with creativity that I would love to express some how, some way. What's holding me back is just that I feel like such a scrub/noob in a new field. I know Rome wasn't built in a day and yet I expect mine to be. A shit Jack of all trades but not even average in any. [[[i am just beating down the hammer on myself. maybe some good characteristics about me later]]] Worst part is, I just don't even know where to start. Things that are holding me back from even trying anything:

• lack a decent resume
• lack of professor recommendations
• a 2.8 GPA
• discomfort in DACA
• not knowing what creative outlet to even try to separate myself in. photography would probably be the best, but man that's tough. [[[here i go again not wanting to work]]]
• lack of a decent pay rate at other psych jobs

So, from what I see, most of it is just me not wanting to work towards a goal. I'm seriously just sitting around hoping it'll fall on my lap from the kindness of others. From hoping that my personality will want someone to help me. Shite.

I have to appease Umma and my wanting to give her a nice place to live and relax... FUCK I can't take it. This is probably the biggest source of my depression. I want Umma to be happy. That's it isn't it? I can't see her eye-to-eye because I know she's sad/disappointed (to a lower degree) that I haven't got a 'real' job. I can't be mad at her because of all she's done for me. 

Damn, this was a pretty depressing post. I'm just becoming a depressed person. Maybe I already am. It's not super bad but it's definitely a car stuck in a rut. The driver has never been stuck in mud before and now is freaking out. 

Welp, it's only been fifteen minutes and I have already let so much out. 

Night-spiration was an objective success.