J: 07/29/14

LISTENING TO: Jon Hopkins - Open Air Signal (hehehahahoho I like this little addition. frisson!)

              So, let's see. Yesterday on 07/27 I went to a small festival with multiple EDM artists. Was super stoked to see Flume. A bit of a disappointment in my opinion but it was still great to hear him live-ish. Short set. I don't really remember much but I remember the Lorde remix and Holdin' On. Needs to come to the Tabernacle for some really good sound. Everyone went to go roll at the show while I just drank and took coke. Not sure how I really feel about coke. I could have done without it I think. I wasn't all that drunk but that could have also been the coke keeping me straight. Didn't have a hangover in the morning so maybe I wasn't drunk. I felt that grogginess of doing drugs afterwards while just sitting a bit zoned out at Hellen's. It wasn't nearly as bad as a molly comedown but it still sucked. If I was drunk I'd still be having fun at that point. Alcohol comedown is the best comedown, cuz you just ptfo. It's the morning rising that sucks swamp dick. I sometimes wonder if my hangovers are way worse than others due to my JME condition. I think it is. I certainly can't function at near full-capacity and just twitch when I need to run multiple actions in rapid succession. Action. Actionaction. Acti-twitch. Blank. Reset. Shibal. Repeat.
            Anywho, I ended up not caring for the rest of the artists in the lineup. None of them interested me. I'm sure if I was rolling it would be different but rolling just doesn't feel right to me at all anymore. I say things I never would otherwise and I dance to music I wouldn't vibe with otherwise. I hate the fakeness of the crowd all throughout. People talk about drunk people being assholes and such but would those people be the people they are without the drugs they took? Who are they to judge people who drink? Who am I to judge anyone as a matter of fact... I'm not sure how I feel about doing anything heavily anymore. I don't like cigarettes, I recently started hating getting drunk because of the hangover and again, saying things I wouldn't otherwise, and the latest thing for me seems to be just smoking a one-hitter and chilling but even that's few and far between. I need to find a paragraph indentation in here. There. Drugs were fun but I feel myself really just calming down off of everything. Four-five drinks max on a night out. No cigarettes. No coke.
             I need to learn how to be my most comfortable self in any situation. Serving has been great for that. Social interaction every day and learning how to move from one conversation to the next. Reading people's faces so quickly that it's ingrained in me. Work has been a lot easier in that regard. I've pretty much found the sweet spot in terms of cordiality towards customers. I'm pretty proud of this mask of an extroverted person I've created for myself. It's almost getting to the point where it might really be me. Perhaps my biggest inspiration that I held without even knowing it, was Salvador Dali's story of rising from introvert to extrovert. His uncle told him to just act as if he were an extrovert to everyone he knew. Coupled with my apparently amazing acumen to read into and feel so greatly the feelings of others has helped me create a personality that creates the least amount of anxiety, friction, stress, confusion, contradiction, conflict and maximizes the potential for understanding, kindness, clarity, empathy, transparency, and geniality--> looks like genitals -__-
Ever a stickler for realizing the potential in myself in endless, I still understand I have many more steps to go. LISTENING TO: Jon Hopkins - Immunity (mmmmm gets the mind cogs goin')          
           The journey towards creating this mask had me start to question whether perhaps, I already had an innate disposition towards extroversion. I seem to get genuine joy out of meeting other people. Well, then again, I really like my alone time. Meh. I think I'll just say that I am an introvert who has been absolutely fascinated with this new toy of an extroverted mask to play around with. Funny how my main mask is kinda Bro-ee. Which, I guess is a pretty good one. A bro with a good, nice vibe is cool. I think the best part is when my social barriers start to break down around new people I meet and I'm just a complete weirdo. I realize I am pretty bizarro cuz I've met people like that and didn't realize that I was very similar in that regard. I love it. I love being unpredictable. weird. ridiculous. funny. what the hell? awesome. some of the things that have been said to me. I especially love when that phase of them thinking I'm weird passes and they seem to just appreciate me for the person I am. I think they start to see that I am completely genuine around them and a facet of that is how generous and how much of a nice guy I am. It's just hard for me to be otherwise. I operate on the basis of being a people-pleaser. Somewhat negative connotations but it is what it is.
             I firmly believe that I am in the elite echelons of human beings in terms of level of empathy. I definitely see things where others don't. I feel so much and so hard for others. Someone in need or in stress and I feel that almost as if it were my own. However, this doesn't mean I always act on it. It's pretty easy to feel it, float on, and forget it. On the flip-side of feeling others' pain, I also feel the the joy for others.

Focus. I need to.