///I DON'T EVEN CONFIDE IN MYSELF ANYMORE
             "What's wrong with me?" I ask myself this question far too often nowadays with detrimental results to my mental state. C.S. Lewis said that nothing changes day by day but when we look back things are so different from years past. I see a huge difference from who I was a year ago before I graduated from GSU. I have no drive to do anything and just pander in pointless endeavors like reddit or YouTube videos. I don't read at all anymore and am currently feel the most gratification from fucking going anything above seven arena wins in Hearthstone. Like what? What the fuck am I doing? I go days without drinking followed by days of drinking til I'm drunk and then just recovering for a few days to get back into physical/physiological/mental homeostasis. I want to make changes but the scariest part is I don't even know where to start. Well, I can make a short list of things I definitely need to drastically cut down in my life:
  • Time spent on reddit - It's becoming an unconscious habit of mine to just flick my phone or open my browser to reddit to load the pages for what would most likely be some useless information. r/nba, r/Atlanta, and the front are all pages I frequent a ludicrous amount of times a day or even an hour. My life revolves around these pages as if they were bait hanging in front of me and every now and then I get a satisfying informative nibble to last me a few moments in time. (It's amazing just sitting here blogging and feeling how tangibly my mind twitches to wanting to load up those pages.) Reddit to me really is like a drug and could possibly be the worst possible thing to happen to me in terms of productivity (not that I had too much beforehand but it's much worse now.) If I could learn to use reddit productively it would be the best information center available. 
  • Video games - Main game sucking up my time lately is Hearthstone but my time spent on video games goes hand in hand with my time on reddit. Whenever I finish refreshing the pages on reddit and I need to spend time, I'll just load up a game and start to play. Most confounding part is that I'll feel slightly disgusted at myself as I do so. Any game I play will usually last from thirty minutes to an hour giving reddit enough time to cycle through posts and for people to have fresh topics as well. 
Yeah, too much time is spent on this kinda bullshit lately and it's been a downhill slide as I keep spending more and more time on the computer being unproductive. Stay away from reddit Mac. I might allow you a pass during morning poops but I don't know about anything beyond that.

Besides all this though, I have made a couple positive changes in my lifestyle. One of which was starting to pick up more shifts at work which started to bring in more money. Had a good (bad) stretch for a couple months where I got too comfortable working four days a week and that got me disliking work a bit too much because it seemed involuntary in a psychological way. Didn't even really feel I needed to be there and was lazy at not wanting tables and such. (This period of time also happens to coincide my heaviest drinking while on the job. Still a problem for me every now and then but not as bad.) 
In my decision to be more productive in at least some way I told James I wanted to work five days a week and told myself I'd be open to picking up shifts if need be. I have less consecutive days off in order to go on backpacking trips that I always tell myself I'm gonna go on but cut that bullshit since I'm too much of a pussy to every really go on one. (Makes me sad to know that I should be going on many more backpacking trips but don't.) Coinciding with my shifts happened to be busier nights which definitely increased my income. Heck, I made over $600 this past Saturday/Sunday. Pretty sick. 

My other lifestyle change was just to delete social media apps off of my phone which was probably more phone battery/processing speed motivated than my spending too much time on them. I was also running out of stuff to post onto Instagram anyway and as for Snapchat... well that has more to do with not wanting to see all the females I failed to try to talk to. Regret and embarrassment runs like a slow coursing flame through me when I see a name of one, but that can be a blog for another time.

Gonna start to wind this entry down. Pleased and surprised to see how coherently my thought came out on my blog. I was entirely skeptical and thought I lost my ability to write in its totality. Will continue later but will leave a few bullet points of things to blog about later as well.
  • listen to music more
  • volunteer
  • appa call
  • READ
  • sleeping earlier
Just take it slow Mac. One step at a time. Life is a one tall fucking hill tower thingy whatever.



i want my funny voice back

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