the struggle is real
///LISTENING TO / Small Night Orchestra - Soul Voyage / Olafur Arnalds - Raein
///LOVE (romantic)
I... hard to start. Is it hopelessly romantic of me to hope for that One True Love? I don't know. I don't understand. I'm just waiting, and waiting, and waiting. Can I just follow along my current path and kick looking for a partner off to the side and hope to cross paths? I'm not particularly lonely. Not even a sliver near lonely of what I used to feel. Maybe it's just buried underneath my want to become my idealized Self. Focused and eccentric. Active and loving. Mindful and lucid. I ponder if it would be easier if I had someone to grow with me. Probably would be. Find someone who is at a similar junction in there life. Confused and scared of the future but happy to be alive and spreads love.
Maybe the only pressure I feel to get a girlfriend is from all the social pressure. People don't blatantly direct it towards me but I know it's on their minds, especially the people who I have invested (I say invested but it's just because I see them so much) time into. A fair portion of them think I might be gay, which even my own father resounded those musings. I know it bothers me even at a deeper level because whenever I get high my mind just gets stuck in a rut on that thought. I need to be more okay with who I am. I shouldn't really care what others think of my love life (or lack thereof [no just complete non-existent lack.]) What's the point of getting a girlfriend if I know she wouldn't be right in the end? I probably need to get to know the girl better before making any judgments however. Then again, I want to complete my degree and know that I will have a good chance of landing a stable job. But even about that I'm confused. Hopefully I will muster the courage to go on an intense escapade worthy of a book for a few years.
///LOVE (all)
First thought is, "Damn I should have told that lady at Publix that she's pretty awesome for having said, 'Thank you," to me when I let her cross." I knew I would regret not doing so when I saw her and yep, I regret it. Like the procrastination article said, while wanting to achieve a long-term goal might suck during the moment, it will be worth it later. I just gotta sack-up and do it. I have a need to help others but I can tell I've lost a bit of it. Or rather... maybe my new baseline set over the past couple years has made me content and although I may have gone from 'slightly above average' to a constant 'above average' I thirst for 'slightly fucking awesome.' Yeh.
The biggest step for me right now, however, is putting in the time to strengthen bonds with people who I know I would click with. Lunches and such might be first........... Just took the MBTI test again and rung up as ENFP/INFP. Might be all bullshit Forer effect. Dunno.............. So many projects to complete. Both in the external world and the internal. So much... so much...
My lack of focus so fucks me over. I know it. And I still do it. Why.
///LOVE (romantic)
I... hard to start. Is it hopelessly romantic of me to hope for that One True Love? I don't know. I don't understand. I'm just waiting, and waiting, and waiting. Can I just follow along my current path and kick looking for a partner off to the side and hope to cross paths? I'm not particularly lonely. Not even a sliver near lonely of what I used to feel. Maybe it's just buried underneath my want to become my idealized Self. Focused and eccentric. Active and loving. Mindful and lucid. I ponder if it would be easier if I had someone to grow with me. Probably would be. Find someone who is at a similar junction in there life. Confused and scared of the future but happy to be alive and spreads love.
Maybe the only pressure I feel to get a girlfriend is from all the social pressure. People don't blatantly direct it towards me but I know it's on their minds, especially the people who I have invested (I say invested but it's just because I see them so much) time into. A fair portion of them think I might be gay, which even my own father resounded those musings. I know it bothers me even at a deeper level because whenever I get high my mind just gets stuck in a rut on that thought. I need to be more okay with who I am. I shouldn't really care what others think of my love life (or lack thereof [no just complete non-existent lack.]) What's the point of getting a girlfriend if I know she wouldn't be right in the end? I probably need to get to know the girl better before making any judgments however. Then again, I want to complete my degree and know that I will have a good chance of landing a stable job. But even about that I'm confused. Hopefully I will muster the courage to go on an intense escapade worthy of a book for a few years.
///LOVE (all)
First thought is, "Damn I should have told that lady at Publix that she's pretty awesome for having said, 'Thank you," to me when I let her cross." I knew I would regret not doing so when I saw her and yep, I regret it. Like the procrastination article said, while wanting to achieve a long-term goal might suck during the moment, it will be worth it later. I just gotta sack-up and do it. I have a need to help others but I can tell I've lost a bit of it. Or rather... maybe my new baseline set over the past couple years has made me content and although I may have gone from 'slightly above average' to a constant 'above average' I thirst for 'slightly fucking awesome.' Yeh.
The biggest step for me right now, however, is putting in the time to strengthen bonds with people who I know I would click with. Lunches and such might be first........... Just took the MBTI test again and rung up as ENFP/INFP. Might be all bullshit Forer effect. Dunno.............. So many projects to complete. Both in the external world and the internal. So much... so much...
My lack of focus so fucks me over. I know it. And I still do it. Why.
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