mac's cheesy thoughts

///I DON'T EVEN CONFIDE IN MYSELF ANYMORE              "What's wrong with me?" I ask myself this question far too often nowadays with detrimental results to my mental state. C.S. Lewis said that nothing changes day by day but when we look back things are so different from years past. I see a huge difference from who I was a year ago before I graduated from GSU. I have no drive to do anything and just pander in pointless endeavors like reddit or YouTube videos. I don't read at all anymore and am currently feel the most gratification from fucking going anything above seven arena wins in Hearthstone. Like what? What the fuck am I doing? I go days without drinking followed by days of drinking til I'm drunk and then just recovering for a few days to get back into physical/physiological/mental homeostasis. I want to make changes but the scariest part is I don't even know where to start.  Well, I can make a short list of things I definitely need to dr...

///FUTURE                  Been a while since I've tried to look at my life at an over-the-shoulder type of view. I feel I've come such a long way and my dream is so close but I can hardly grasp it. (Great Gatsby film heh) I thought I knew what I wanted but it always seems that in order to efficiently do what I want to I need money. There has to be another way, right? I don't understand because sometimes I do believe that money will pave the way but other times I believe the infinite energy I, and anyone else, can bring to others is more than enough. The wellspring of inspiration, hope, and love a person can bring. I struggle to find a way to make myself the person I want to become and have the adventure I wish. I need to focus and find a goal that will motivate me to drive myself towards it. ///FOCUS                I continually lack focus. I think I'm getting better towards it but it is a massive u...

///ADVENTURE            Three years I've been toiling. The first two and a half years were some years of immense personal growth. Spiritually, socially, physically, mentally, academically, even financially (although, that is more financial stability than actual increase in monetary amounts.) I only feel work is holding me back in all my ambition for the things I want to do. My only hope is that I am able to keep focused on my goals and actualize my thoughts into the real world. It's a slow process and I'm not even sure if I'm headed towards a net positive in that particular area lately.            Maybe I just need a break for a while. Is my lack of focus from the copious (significantly cut down now) amount of drugs I've done? Is it the Keppra that's fucking me up? I always seem to come out feeling very content for a few months after a good trip. It's been almost a year, is that why I lack focus? Is it bec...

///BEAUTIFUL DAY!!! Had a good day today. Actually, fuck that. I had an amazing day. Probably the most noteworthy in a while. To start off the day, I had some kimbap made by Mama Kwon. Sent her a text later saying how I love her. I don't do it nearly enough. Putting Good into the world requires more effort than doing nothing but the rewards are so obvious once you do it. Instantly felt happy knowing that my hard-working mother would be revitalized at work once she saw that message. Gave me a grin. I then went through three hours of boring classes. Received a sixty on a test. But eff that. Afterwards, I went inside the library to see what everyone else was up to. Same old same old, sit around the table chit-chat about small talk. Usually I would stay and amuse them but today! Today! I had books to read. The weather was fucking nice and beautiful. I just plopped down at a courtyard table with a plastic chair, took my bookbag off, pulled out Wallflower, set my music to some chill, gr...

"...tendency to be idealistic and romantically-minded may cause them to fantasize frequently about a "more perfect" relationship or situation. They may also romanticize their mates into having qualities which they do not actually possess."

///BONNAROO Bonnaroo exceeded my expectations. It's too late for me to write out everything but it was great. Could have been better if some things went right but it was still great. I want to go back to bad. From here on out it's back to work Every Damn Day.